Sweet So Sweet
by fukuji mihoko
Summary: Yui wasn't sure of the precise moment when her world came crashing down; but she knew, deep down, it all started with the death of her sister. :fairly disturbing content, some Yui/Azu:
1. Prologue

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Prologue

* * *

"…_internal haemorrhaging …"_

"…_going too fast…"_

"…_did everything we could…"_

"…_tried to stop her…"_

"…_lost too much blood…"_

"…_it came out of nowhere…"_

"…_we did everything we could…"_

"…_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"_

"…_but we couldn't save her."_

And Ui had died.


	2. o1: Despair

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter One

'Despair'

* * *

Yui lay curled in a foetal position, buried under her duvet. Her knees were tucked up under her chin, arms circling them, head ducked, as though she were trying to hold herself together. She felt like she'd fall apart if she didn't physically cling to herself. Her fingers dug deeper into flesh, her eyelids squeezed tighter closed.

Over and over again, the previous conversation played in her head-

_We did everything we could. But she lost too much blood; we couldn't save her. I'm sorry, Miss. I'm so sorry._

It was like a faulty cassette tape. And Yui couldn't find the right button to turn it off.

The more she tried to silence the voices, the louder they became.

Almost as if they were mocking her.

Static buzzed in her head. It sounded like feedback- just like when she plugged in her electrical guitar. The same noise. The same screech that made her clap her hands to her ears and wince.

Too much distortion, far too loud.

On a repeating loop, on infinite playback, Yui heard it.

_We couldn't save her._

_She died._

_Ui died._

Yui gave a muffled sob, and curled up into herself tighter. She tried to make herself as small as possible- almost non-existent. Then, maybe the pain would go away.

(But it didn't.)

She tried to shut off her thoughts

(But she couldn't.)

She didn't want to think.

(But she did anyway.)

Why did she have to think?

Sleep sounded like a nice escape from this nightmarish reality, but it was impossible. The noise in her brain wouldn't stop; it seemed like it would **never **stop. It buzzed in her skull as though her cranium was filled to bursting with hive upon hive of angry, restless bees. Mercilessly, they stung the insides of her emptied-out head, until she had half a mind to scratch at her own temples and pull the sound out.

It hurt.

Why was it so easy to turn off her brain she had to revise, or do school work, or had a test, but now- when she really needed to- her brain wouldn't stop thinking?

Why was she being forced to relive it?

Hearing those words once at the hospital had been bad enough.

They hadn't even let Yui see her sister. Apparently, it would be 'too upsetting', especially considering her distraught state of mind.

Maybe it was for the best. Yui's last memory of her sister was her smiling face as they went to their separate classrooms in the morning (that morning seemed like an eternity away now; a different Yui, a different Ui. An alive Ui). Ui said she'd make beef stew for dinner. She'd have it ready on the table when Yui got in.

That the last time Yui saw her sister outside of her own disturbed imaginings.

Multiple phantom Uis with bashed in skulls and twisted limbs and dead eyes, leaking blood like a red oil spill across the sidewalk, flickered through Yui's mind like phantoms.

Did Yui want to remember her sister like that?

Surely it was better her last memory of her was a happy one.

Except, maybe if she had seen the real body, she would not have to imagine the mangled corpse endlessly, on a loop.

She'd know the reality, horrible though it was.

She didn't want to think about this.

Was it a good thing to be ignorant?

Yui liked being ignorant. She'd thrived on this innocent naïveté for most of her life. It was who she was- smiling, carefree Hirasawa Yui.

But this ignorance to Ui's fate was destructive.

Even though Yui pleaded with teary eyes, the doctors had stood firm. They couldn't let her see Ui. She wasn't old enough. They needed her parents' permission.

Her parents, huh?

That was a joke.

Her parents were never at home. They were always busy with work and money and things rather more important than the daughters they supposedly worked so hard _for_. Yui didn't resent them, though. Many other children would, but she didn't. Or, rather, couldn't. The sparse memories she had of her parents were pleasant. It was clear they weren't horrible people. Yui didn't like disliking others. It was so unnecessary, so useless, and it wasn't something she could really 'do'. She could master guitar in a short space of time, but hating another human being seemed like a rather more difficult, exhausting practise, without any payoff in the end whatsoever.

Playing her guitar made people happy.

Hating others made people miserable.

Yui knew which one she would rather do.

So Yui didn't hate her parents.

But they were never there. Parents couldn't be considered 'parents' if they didn't look after their children. They were more like strangers. Benevolent strangers, who occasionally sent their children money. Enough to live comfortably, but money wasn't enough to retain their family bonds. So, of course, they broke down.

It was inevitable.

But Yui hadn't minded, because she had Ui. From however long she could remember, Ui had always been by her side. Ui had basically been a mother and father to her in one. She was always so responsible and level-headed. Whenever Yui had a problem, she went straight to her.

And now…

Now…

_Who's going to look after me now Ui's gone?_

That had been the first thought in Yui's mind once she'd heard those chilling words; 'your sister is dead'. It was a selfish thought, and Yui felt disgusted at herself for it, but it was easier thinking about who would do the laundry and ironing and prepare the meals and all that practical stuff than how lonely she would be without Ui, and how much she would miss her.

It was easier thinking about herself than anyone else.

Thinking about how much pain Ui must have been in, how scared she must have been- if, indeed, she had enough time to _be_ scared- was too much.

It hurt too much.

_Why Ui?_

_Why did it have to be Ui?_

_Why couldn't it have been somebody else?_

Yui felt herself tense at this awful thought, but it was true. She couldn't deny it. It was part of her nature. She wanted a happy, perfect life, with her friends and her sister- she didn't much care about anyone else outside her little bubble.

It didn't matter.

Those people didn't matter.

She wanted her cheerful, carefree existence to go on forever and ever, like a fairytale.

Maybe she was childish like that. It was a child's rationale; I want **me **to be happy, and it doesn't matter how I accomplish this. I'm too young to worry about anyone else.

_Everyone _said she was childish.

Wasn't that what Nodoka always said?

Jun had been in tears when she told Yui what happened. It could only have been, what, two or three hours ago that she got Jun's phone call? But it felt like years.

Years and years.

Time didn't make sense anymore.

Yui had been sat in her clubroom with the others; Mio and Ritsu and Mugi and Azusa. They'd been eating cakes, talking, in their typical manner. Azusa wanted them to go practise (she took life too seriously, but that her more adorable). Yui had laughed at her, and Azusa got mad- but it had been okay, because Azusa was never truly angry at Yui.

That was before Yui had known anything was wrong. That light-hearted atmosphere and joyful girls' banter seemed so far away now.

Just as Yui had been about to take a bite of the latest delicacy Mugi had brought in from her parent's café (it had been Mont Blanc that day), her cell phone began blaring _Fuwa Fuwa Time_ from her pocket.

"Hi!~ Jun-chan, what's wrong?~" Yui had answered cheerfully.

There had been a pause. If it had been in a manga or maybe light novel, Jun's response (or lack of) would have been best written as ellipses.

Silence.

More ellipses.

Except, silence was not technically correct. When Yui blotted out Mio and Ritsu's argument in background, she had distinctly heard _something _on the other line, even if it wasn't speech. It was a definite sound. More than silence. More than nothing.

And even more disturbing.

It was the sound of soft sobbing.

Like somebody was having a mental breakdown.

Jun had been crying.

Even then, Yui hadn't added one and one together. This was mainly because she liked being dense about difficult subjects, and it was hard to be upset when she was with her fellow members of Ho-kago Tea Time and eating cakes and having fun in her idyllic fantasy existence. Yui thought she was immune from grief. She thought that, in her safe bubble surrounded by friends, no despair could reach her.

She didn't even watch the news, so no information about death or murders could filter through her self-protective sphere.

Yui always thought she was safe.

Even if Jun was crying, it couldn't have been anything that serious, right?

That was what Yui had told herself.

"Eh? Jun-chan, are you okay?" Yui had asked, still speaking in her light-hearted, sing-song way. Her phone was tucked between her head and shoulder, and she'd been about to pop the forkful of almond cake into her mouth (_nothing was wrong, everything was fine, she'd eat her cake and laugh with the others and-_) when-

"_Yui…"_

Jun's voice had sounded strange, distorted. Was there a bad signal? Or was it something else?

Something Yui didn't want to contemplate…

The normally-cheery twin-tailed girl didn't sound like herself.

And then it all came out.

A torrent, a downpour, a metaphorical avalanche of words that didn't seem to hold any meaning- that couldn't make sense, it must be a lie- fell upon Yui like a tonne of bricks, smashing her happy bubble into smithereens.

"_I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Yui-senpai! I-I didn't mean… It was an accident, I… She… I-it was going so fast… I-I couldn't stop her. She didn't see it. I should have stopped her. I-I… I…_"

Ui had been hit by a car on her way home.

Jun had been with her.

And Jun hadn't stopped her.

Yui could only sit there, frozen in shock, ramrod straight in her chair. For one moment, she swore her breathing stopped and her blood ran cold.

Time froze.

Sound muted.

The whole world tipped off its axis.

And then, she tried to smile.

Laugh it off.

"Eh. Jun-chan, that's not a funny joke~" she'd reprimanded the girl. "It's not April Fool's Day yet. You can't catch me out, I'm smarter than that. Hehehe…" The laugh was weak, faltering.

She spoke cheerfully, but her heart still refused to beat. She could feel her blood clotting about her heart, her muscles tense- but on the outside, the only part of her that could move were her eyelids. They blinked, like a doll's, over and over again.

Until Jun admitted it was a joke- a really, really terrible joke- she couldn't relax.

But it would be fine, right?

Nothing bad had ever happened to Hirasawa Yui. It was impossible! She was an angst-reflective zone. Depressing things only occurred to other people, or on TV- and you could always turn your TV off if you didn't like the channel.

You could always turn the other way if it was happening to somebody else.

You could smile, and be safe in the knowledge it would never be you.

_It'll never be me._

She waited for Jun to admit the lie.

And waited.

And waited.

The seconds trailed by at tortoise's pace; at least fifty blank pages filled with ellipses would be required to sum up how long the silence felt to Yui.

And then, on the other end of the line, Jun gave a weak sob.

And Yui's world fell to pieces.


	3. o2: Emotion and Reason

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter Two

'Emotion and Reason'

* * *

Yui hadn't wanted to go to school the next day. She didn't want to see those bright smiling faces- Mio, Ritsu, Azusa, Mugi. It would feel so unnatural. Her life had been tilted upside down over the course of one night, and nobody would know. Life would go on like always.

Or maybe that was for the best?

Maybe she _should _just forget about it?

How could you forget the death of your own sister, though?

It would be worse if her other band members realized something _was_ wrong. They'd be concerned, worried, fuss over her- nothing would be the same.

So, did she want things to stay the same, or be different?

Yui didn't know what she wanted anymore.

…

If she went to school, she'd have to see Jun.

Jun, who had stood there and watched her sister be mown down by a speeding car. Watched her fragile body fly through the air, hit the tarmac with a sickening crack- bones broken, blood everywhere, _we did everything we could, but it was too late._

And what had happened to Jun?

Nothing.

She was absolutely fine.

Ui- sweet, kind, selfless Ui- had died, whilst Jun had lived.

Was that fair?

Of course it wasn't fair.

If only it had been **Jun**-

But Yui shuddered.

Shook her head.

She didn't want to think like that. It was bad, _very_ bad. Thoughts like that were always dangerous. Nothing good came out of them. Yui didn't like hating people, she already said. It took too much time. It was painful.

But she'd never had cause to hate anybody before.

Before Ui got hit by a car (she hadn't even been allowed to see the body. How was that fair? Life wasn't. It never had been) her life had been a happy utopia, devoid of misery or pain, or anything unpleasant. The worst things in her life had been cramming for tests- and even then, with stupid amounts of luck and maybe a little bit of intelligence she never knew she had, she always managed to get by with high grades.

Nobody had ever hurt Yui before. Not so much that she'd hold a grudge against them.

Not on purpose.

Not that Jun had done it on purpose.

She was an innocent bystander.

_An innocent bystander who innocently stood and watched as my sister was __killed__- no, __**murdered**__- because she COULD have stopped her, she SHOULD have stopped her._

_It was all her fault._

_All her fault…_

These feelings for Jun were cold and alien and completely different to anything Yui had ever felt before.

They scared her.

Disgusted her.

She didn't even want to admit it was _her_ who was thinking these things, because they were unfair and horrible and- fuck, life was unfair and horrible; it wasn't, Ui would still be there.

_Make it stop._

_IT WON'T STOP._

Yui threw her hairbrush down. It hit the floor with a clunk. She looked at her face in the mirror. The eyes were red, puffy from crying. Her mouth was pulled down in a frown.

No good.

She forced a smile.

_Pretend nothing's wrong, and it'll all be okay._

_You can do this._

With her fake smile firmly in place, like make-up on an unattractive girl's face to mask true appearances, Yui exited the bathroom. It felt like she was a character in a play, following directions. Robotically, she walked down the stairs, unlocked the front door, and exited the house.

The door shut behind her with a resounding slam.

There was no going back now.

* * *

Smiling cheerily, Yui set off on the well-trodden path to school, humming _Oh My Gitah! _(her self-written love song for her one-and-only love, Gitah) under her breath.

Everything would be fine.

Today was just like any other day.

A perfectly normal day.

She told herself that again and again.

It didn't work.

It wasn't enough.

Telling yourself something did not make it so, and Yui was too observant to fool herself into believing such a stupid story.

Mid-way through her walk to school, her humming faded into nothingness.

Everything reminded Yui of her sister. All these places- the way to school, the school itself, the corridors, classroom- were all places Ui had been. The students and teachers were all people Ui had known.

School was tinged with the memory of Ui. Her sister felt like a ghost, haunting the people and places Yui interacted with.

Actually, the idea of Ui as a ghost was just a little bit comforting.

Yui like the idea her pony-tailed sister was still roaming the corridors, hand in her's, smiling.

Supporting her.

If she focused hard enough, she could almost hear her voice through the din of chattering students.

_It'll be alright, big sis._

_I'm with you._

_I'm always with you._

Except there was something wrong with that scenario.

Ui would never be a ghost.

She was an angel.

A pure, white angel, innocent as a lamb, with a halo and feathery wings. Protecting her.

Except Yui didn't believe in ghosts or angels. Her life had been so comfortable and cosy, she'd had no reason to entrust her faith in beings or deities that did not exist- she'd seen no need to turn to them for help before.

Was one day (just **twenty four **hours, though it felt longer. Much, much longer. Yui had never felt so _old _before) too early to start grieving for a lost one? Or was that normal?

What were the standard procedures to bereavement?

Were there any such procedures?

If Yui had some guidelines to follow, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

Maybe she'd know what to do.

What to believe in.

But she didn't.

Her guitar had a manual- even though she'd never taken the time to read it. Even orange juice put instructions on the carton of how to open it.

But there was no such thing for this situation.

Yui felt empty. Hollow. As though somebody had scooped out her insides with a spoon and fed them to a dog.

Grief _hurt._

People said it was painful, sure, but nobody ever said it hurt _this much._

It hurt even more when you weren't accustomed to it.

Like the blade of a knife pressed against her flesh, it stung and cut. The knowledge that Ui would never again walk these halls or talk to these people- as herself or as a young child's image of a heavenly being- only made the clichéd figurative blade cut even deeper. Fresh new wounds were created atop of the old, spurting fresh crimson blood in trickling rivulets.

There hadn't been enough time to recover from the old cuts before new lacerations were made.

Maybe that was how grief worked.

It was one hit after another until you couldn't get up again.

Broken.

_It won't stop._

_It won't ever stop._

"Yui-senpai! Good morning."

Yui was roused from her catatonic state by the fresh, cheery voice of her underclassman, Nakano Azusa. The shorter, cat-like girl had caught up with Yui outside the school gates, and stood before the older girl, panting. She had been running. However, she posed with her arms folded, face in a pout, trying as hard as possible to look as though she had not been exerting any effort to catch Yui's attentions.

Under normal circumstances, Yui would have squealed about how cute Azusa was when she tried to act unconcerned (and, inevitably, failed). Then, she would've proceeded to ensnare Azusa in her arms, like a Venus flytrap closes about its prey, and make not entirely false claims that one day she was going to kidnap her and take her home.

But the appearance of Azusa could not rouse more than a half-smile and a small wave from Yui that morning.

"Oh. Azu-nyan," said Yui despondently. "Hi."

Noting the shift in Yui's demeanour, from cheerful girl to zombie on autopilot, Azusa gave Yui a worrying glance- though, of course, she would deny it if Yui asked ("I-I was worried about the weather, not you, idiot. I heard it was going to rain." Azusa had her reply formulated in her head).

But Yui didn't ask.

Azusa's reply went to waste, and was buried under concern.

"Yui-senpai, are you okay? Where's your sister?"

At this seemingly innocent question, Yui froze. Her blood turned to liquid nitrogen.

"I'm fine," said Yui. Her voice was steely and cold, not at all like her usual light, cheerful tones. It was impossible to imagine this Yui was the same Yui who could sing vomit-inducing-ly cute songs about stationary and pure pure love in utter seriousness. "Ui-chan's feeling sick. She didn't go to school today."

"Oh, that's too bad," said Azusa, voice soft. She sounded like someone who didn't want to provoke a sleeping tiger. "Ui-chan's not usually sick."

"Well, she is today."

"D-do you know what's wrong?"

"A summer cold."

Azusa still looked uncertain about Ui's supposed 'illness'. It was fairly obvious she had some questions, but the look on Yui's face kept her mouth shut.

"U-um…" Azusa shifted nervously, eyes engrossed with her feet. Now, they were an interesting sight, feet.

"W-well…" the cat-like underclassman started again. "M-maybe Ui-chan's not the only one with a summer cold."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't look very well, Yui-senpai. Have you been getting enough sleep? Tch- knowing you, you'll have been fussing endlessly over Ui-chan, like last time."

Azusa sounded like a worried mother fussing over a child.

For a brief second, Yui felt some unfamiliar emotion flicker up inside of her. Why was Azusa treating her like a child? She was old enough to decide when she went to bed! The fact that she hadn't had any sleep was a moot point- Azusa shouldn't reverse their statuses when SHE was the younger one! Azusa didn't have a right to worry, it wasn't her job. Azusa didn't mother Yui.

Ui did.

It was Ui's…

Azusa would never replace Ui.

Never.

And Yui wouldn't let her try.

But, like the flame on a birthday candle, this uncharacteristic indignation was snuffed out in seconds. It was never strong enough to create a full-blown forest fire- at least, not at the moment.

Yui could only shudder at her own caustic thoughts.

_W-what?_

_This isn't normal._

_This isn't me!_

_Why would I be so cruel to Azu-nyan? She's worried about me because I'm her friend! She doesn't even KNOW about Ui- of course she's not trying to take her place! What a crazy thing to think!_

Azusa's worry seemed to increase, as the ellipses stretched out between the pair for second after second after second. It could only have been a few seconds that they stood there, but time was playing tricks again, and to Yui it might as well have been an hour. Everything got muddled after Jun's phone call and the hospital and all that other stuff. It crashed down too hard on Yui and made everything else all blurry.

She was still half-convinced it was some horrible dream.

Except dreams had never made her feel this bad before.

Usually, Yui's dreams included playing music with the members of Ho-kago Tea Time and making fans happy, or Azusa in a various number of cute maid outfits with complimentary cat ears. The fact that the Azusa stood before her was not in a frilly French maid's outfit was concrete proof enough to convince this was not a fantasy- otherwise it would've been a wasted moment.

"Yui-senpai…?" said Azusa softly. The 'I'm not really worried about you' tsundere pretence was gone. Instead, there was just raw concern. No mask.

It was that face that struck Yui's heart the most.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Azu-nyan!" said Yui, trying to inject some joviality into her tones. Her voice sounded flat and unconvincing even to her own ears. With a sheepish laugh, she ruffled the back of her hair. "I'm just not feeling too good at the moment, heheh."

"Are you sick too? Don't over-exert yourself."

"Hehe, I never do!~ Don't worry, I won't give you a bug! I'm just sleepy. You know how it is."

A small smile fluttered across Azusa's lips.

"That's so like you. You're so irresponsible, Yui-senpai."

"Hehe. Somehow you make that feel like a compliment, Azu-nyan!"

"It's not. And will you ever stop using that nickname?"

"But you never objected to it before~" Yui pouted, and flailed her arms.

Talking to Azusa made it feel better, just slightly.

Yui hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time. Too long. Although, in actuality, Yui's life had only derailed itself within the last twenty four hours, so Yui's perception of 'a long time' was warped.

It didn't matter.

Yui didn't want to think about the logic of Azusa's 'healing presence'. All she knew was that adorable cat-like girl was a balm for her soul.

Medicine for her sick and weary heart.

"I-it's just…" Azusa looked embarrassed, as she fingered the bottom of her skirt hem. "The other people in my year have started calling me it, too."

"My nickname's catching on?" Yui smiled so brightly it could rival sunflowers. "But that's a _good_ thing! Everyone calls you Azu-nyan, because you are Azu-nyan!"

"B-but all the time its 'Azu-nyan' this 'Azu-nyan' that, what about my real name? It's annoying!" said Azusa hotly, in a way that suggested she did not find it annoying at all and, instead, thought it was humiliating. Her flushed cheeks did not help dissuade Yui's suspicions.

"Aww! A blushing Azu-nyan is so cute!~" cooed Yui happily, patting the girl on the head.

It seemed a waste such a girl didn't naturally have cat ears and a tail and a collar with a bell from birth. If it were a magical girl anime, Azusa could have been the moody lead with a big heart who transformed into 'Magical Kitty Azu-Nyan' when trouble was afoot no problem. The image just seemed to fit her.

"You're thinking about something weird again!" said Azusa irritably. She tried to throw Yui's hand away- though it did not appear she was trying very hard. "I can tell from that look in your face! A-and I'm not blushing!"

Of course, the blushing Azusa trying to convince someone she wasn't blushing was about as useless as an underlevelled white mage trying to fight off the end game final boss.

It was then, as Yui was petting Azusa like some kind of pet (she was much more fun to play with than Ho-kago Tea Time's _real _pet, Ton-chan. You couldn't do much with turtles), that Yui saw her.

Jun.

She was walking to school with her head lowered, eyes fixed on the grey sidewalk. Her hair was pulled into two uneven ponytails that seemed even messier than normal. It was almost as if she'd never bothered to run a comb through it that morning- or, indeed, ever. She looked tired, her skin was pale, and her clothes were rumpled.

Then again, what right did she have to look so miserable?

She got what she wanted, right?

She was alive, and Ui was dead.

Shouldn't she be happy?

If she was going to act so miserable, then she might as well… And then Ui would…

_No!_

_No, I don't really want to think like that._

_That voice in my head- it doesn't even sound like me. I wouldn't think that. I'm happy. Happy for Jun-chan. Two people didn't need to get hurt- that wouldn't make it better. It wouldn't._

_Be happy Jun's alive._

_That her family didn't have go through any trauma._

_**But you don't give a shit about Jun's family, do you?**_

_**Why should they matter more than Ui?**_

_**She's your **__**SISTER.**_

_**You'd be HEARTLESS to care for that girl with the messy pigtails more than your own flesh and blood and you know it!**_

The force of these angry thoughts made Yui tense up once more, as though she'd hit by an electric shock. Her hands caught on one of Azusa's trademark twin tails, her bones locked up an unable to move.

"Yui, what's wrong?" asked Azusa.

Her eyes widened, as Yui's grip on her hair tightened.

"Y-yui-senpai, you're hurting me…"

"A-ah..." Yui's eyes widened, as she saw what harm she was causing her underclassman. With a hurried apology, "sorry, Azu-nyan! I'm sorry!", she quickly withdrew her hand, with the same speed as a child recoiling from a boiling kettle.

"I-it's not a problem," said Azusa shakily, readjusting her abused pigtails. "But next time you do that, give me some kind of warning, please, Yui-senpai. Um... Senpai?"

Yui wasn't looking at Azusa now. Her gaze was fixed at some point over her shoulder.

_Jun._

She was walking closer.

Well, she _was_ Azusa's friend. It was only natural she would try to speak to her; especially after she'd been so shaken up yesterday-

_But she had no right to be._

_Ui's _**my** _sister, not her's._

_She doesn't understand how I feel!_

_She has no right to act so upset._

For a few seconds, a truly dark expression flickered across Yui's face. It was so far removed from her normal dozy smiles that Azusa blinked a little at this sudden transformation. For once, she looked serious.

Completely serious.

"Senapi..."

But Azusa's words of comfort were lost on Yui.

She had already started walking away.

_I don't want to talk to Jun._

_And if Azusa wants to be her friend, I won't talk to her either._


	4. o3: What Connects You With the World

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter Three

'What Connects You with the World'

* * *

For one of the first times in her life, Yui actually pondered whether she should go to the light music club after school. When her life had been normal and tragedy-free, she had never failed to turn up for practice (even if she never actually _did _practice, to Mio and Azusa's chagrin). The lure of Mugi's cakes and Azusa's moe factors and fun conversation was too alluring to pass up.

But now, she wasn't sure if she _wanted _to act light-hearted.

She didn't know if she could.

School had been a struggle. She'd been even less attentive in class than usual (which was a difficult feat) and sat around listlessly without energy or spark.

Just like a hollow shell.

Ritsu even said her eyes looked 'dead'- though she proceeded to say "but that's cool, Yui-chan! It gives you a more 'mysterious' aura! Like a zombie! Ooh, that's so awesome! Don't try and be more awesome than me, okay? Hahaha!"

And Mio had shuddered, and gone "Don't be stupid, Ritsu! Zombies don't exist!"

Then she hit the over-enthusiastic drummer upside the head.

So lunch had been fairly standard; Ritsu and Mio arguing, Mugi smiling. Azusa had probably been with her own friends, Jun and U-

_But Ui's not there._

_Stupid, stupid Yui._

The memory was like a slap in the face.

Just with Jun, then.

Every time Yui remembered her sister wasn't there- she'd never be there again- it felt like cold fingers were pressed against the back of her neck. Wrapped around her throat. It was a shock every single time, and it shouldn't have been- she should be adapting, not… Not **falling apart.**

But that was what grieving people did, right?

It would be unnatural if she snapped back into her usual demeanour after only one day.

(Or would it be?

She didn't know, had no idea- _why wasn't there a manual?_)

What if the others realized how strangely she was acting? Hell, surely they'd already noticed at lunch.

Mugi must have, being as perceptive as she was. Her smiles had seemed less than genuine, as she picked delicately at her bento box.

What if her friends all started talking about it? That would only make her remember Ui more, and she didn't want to. She wanted to forget. To pretend that everything was happy and normal. Was that selfish? Did it make her a bad person?

The only way to retain her normal life would be to attend the light music club as usual.

She'd just have to smile and pretend nothing was wrong.

Then, maybe some normalcy would be injected back into her life. Then everything could go back to being the same- or, at least mostly the same- as before.

And she'd get to see Azusa again.

For some reason, the underclassman had a rather soothing presence about her. Being around her was more calming than drinking green tea on the beach, even! It was amazing. Everyone should have had their own mini-Azusa to cart around whenever they were feeling low...

With that ridiculous thought in mind (_how could you find enough Azu-nyans to fit demand? Cloning? But no, Azu-nyan's all mine! I don't want to share her! Not even a clone of her!_), a smile spread across Yui's lips, as she entered the club room.

It was all going to be okay.

Nothing could hurt her in the club room.

It was her safe haven.

* * *

"Ooh, Mugi-chan!~ This is delicious!~" Yui cooed happily, as she bit into her Mont Blanc.

"Well, you didn't get to have any yesterday. I thought I'd bring in another slice for you," said Mugi.

"Really? And I get a slice of strawberry cheesecake, too?" Yui giggled to herself, and began to sway back and forth, fork still in her mouth. "Lucky!~"

"Man, you sound just like a little kid," said Mio.

"I'm just carefree enough to appreciate the joys of being a child!" said Yui.

"Yeah, Mio-chan. Just because you're an old woman trapped in the body of a high school girl, doesn't mean we all are! We're not boring like you!" Ritsu shot back instantly, sticking her tongue out.

"W-who's boring? I'm just sensible, you idiot! I'm a _realist_!"

Yui smiled contently to herself as she let the taste of almonds dance across her tongue. This was how life should be; Mio and Ritsu arguing over something stupid in that light-hearted way only real friends could, whilst Mugi giggled in a lady-like manner and she ate cake. It was almost as if yesterday had never-

But no.

She didn't want to think about that.

"Speaking of which, Yui..." Mio turned to look at the brunette, who was still swaying in a dream-like trance, as though she were listening to a song nobody but her could hear. Yui always seemed lost in her own world of sparkles and magic and pixies like that; sometimes, it was slightly worrying.

At the sound of Mio's voice, however, Yui turned.

"What is it, Mio-chan?"

"Why did you have to leave so early yesterday? Was something wrong? We were worried about you. You left so suddenly, too…"

At this question, Yui froze.

She pulled her fork out of her mouth. There was an audible clink as the metal prongs hit one of her teeth.

Her fingers went slack.

Her body froze.

The fork dropped from her fingers.

_I don't want to think about this._

_I was so happy, and you... Mio-chan..._

_Why do you have to bring this up?_

_can only be happy _here, _the light music club is my __sphere__ where nothing bad can reach me- but you had to go and introduce bad things into my haven! You __**had**__ to ruin it, you __**had**__ to-_

Yui didn't realize it, but she was subconsciously clenching her fingers into fists. Her eyes were narrowed and cloudy. Everything about her was reminiscent of a thunder storm. Approximately three seconds ago, there had been nothing but a sunny day. And now...

"A-ah, I'm sorry!" Mio apologized hastily. She was stuttering, Her intolerance for all things 'horror' had kicked in. Yui's sudden personality change reminiscent of a psychotic killer in a slasher flick- the same movies Ritsu always tricked her into watching, just to see her reaction. One minute, the person would be kind and friendly, the next...

Mio shuddered.

"Oh, Mio-chan! I'm sorry. Really. I didn't mean to sound scary, hehe."

Within nanoseconds- no, not even that- Yui's earlier mien had faded, until there was nothing left but the cheery girl everyone knew and loved. It was hard to think that smiling face had ever been pulling such a horrible expression. Maybe it had been a dream? A hallucination? It _was_ getting pretty hot this time of year.

Except, Yui's fingers were still clenched into a fist.

"It's not important, anyway," said Yui cheerily, picking up her fork. "Nothing was wrong~"

"Then what was-" Ritsu began, but Yui cut her off.

"I said it was nothing. You really should listen when I say things to you."

Her voice was cold.

At that moment, the door of the music club creaked open. It was probably a good thing it did.

"Sorry I'm late."

Carefully, Azusa (the final member of Ho-kago Tea Time) closed the door behind her, and made her way to the table. However, as she sat down in the empty seat, her brown eyes rested on Yui.

"What kept you, Azu-nyan?" Yui asked, still toying with her fork. The summery tone was back in her voice, strong as ever.

"Well, I was just talking to Jun-chan and... um..."

Azusa looked at Yui's face.

Then, she looked down at her own lap.

_Just talking to Jun-chan, huh?_

_I wonder what she said..._

_Ha._

_Hahaha._

_Like I couldn't guess._

_Is that why you won't meet my eyes, Azu-nyan?_

_**Fuck this.**_


	5. o4: Nemesis

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter Four

'Nemesis'

* * *

That evening Yui found herself under her duvet, curled up into a tight ball. What with her knees pressed so tightly to her torso, it looked like she was trying to fold herself up, like a collapsible telescope. For some reason, the peculiar pose made her feel better, if only just a little.

Whenever she used to be sad- which wasn't very often, being that she was renowned for her sunny nature and smiles- Ui would give her a hug and tell her to cheer up. Then, she'd make her something nice to eat, and everything would be better. At least, in Yui's eyes it would.

That would never happen anymore.

Those days were gone.

In the past.

_Say goodbye to your happiness, Yui._

She hadn't eaten anything that day, save for the few bits and pieces she stole from Mugi's bento box at lunch, and those cakes. When Mugi asked her where her lunch went ("doesn't Ui-chan always make it for you?") Yui had giggled, rubbed the back of her head, and said, "Oh, I just forgot to bring it, and Ui-chan spent so long on it, too! Hehe. I'm such a klutz~"

Of course, that wasn't true.

Ui wasn't there to make her lunch anymore.

She couldn't rely on her sister.

She had learnt not to rely on her parents, but that was only because Ui was there for her. Now, she had nobody.

"I hate this..." Yui sighed. "I hate it."

She hadn't even known she _could _hate.

Now, it seemed she could do nothing but.

And Yui hated that, too.

She hated herself.

After a while, Yui's eyelashes flickered shut, her breathing evened out, and her pursed lips took on a more relaxed smile. She hadn't got any sleep the night before; now, she felt like a hibernating bear. She could sleep for half a year, no problem.

It was nice being asleep.

In her dreams, Ui was still there. _Everyone _was there, having fun. Who knew? Maybe the dream was the reality, and her reality was just some horrible nightmare.

In what universe could Ui die, anyway? It went against everything in her entire existence.

"Senapi. Yui-senpai..."

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Senpai!"

Yui's eyelids twitched, as external noise began to filter in through her happy dreamscape. She didn't want to wake up. Scrunching her eyes closed, trying to ignore the noise, Yui tried to force herself back into sleep.

Except she was already half-awake.

The spell was broken.

_All good things must come to an end._

_You should know that better than anyone._

"Senpai!"

With a sigh and a stretch, Yui got up out of bed. Her spine popped as she moved, making her wince. Her hair was sticking up in a crazy mess, a bird's nest. Still yawning, she began to pat it down.

Was there any point answering the door?

...Except. That sounded like Azusa.

Was it Azusa?

Yui made her way down the stairs, her foot dragging the duvet behind her. She nearly stumbled, but managed to catch herself before she hit the floor in an undignified heap. With red eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep, hair still messy (huh. What about her appearance was dignified at that moment in time, anyway?), Yui got to the front door, fumbled with the keys and, after the third attempt, managed to unlock it.

Just as she'd suspected, Azusa was stood there, looking a little unsure. She was holding a large, cermaic pot in her hands.

"Mmn... That smells good..." Was Yui's sleepy greeting.

"Hello, Yui-senpai," said Azusa, bowing; a touch too formal. She was acting as nervously as baby zebra cornered by a dangerous lion- not that Yui was _dangerous_. But this was the first time Azusa had been to Yui's house by herself. It felt a little too... intimate? Or something? "May I come in? W-would, um, that be alright?"

"Azu-nyan~" said Yui, flailing her arms at the young girl. "Sure you can! Why would I say no?"

She giggled.

"Unless you think I've got a dead body in here."

Azusa nearly jumped in shock, almost dropping the pot in her hands. She began to peer around the house in a suspicious manner, though she attempted to hide the fact she was by moving her neck as little as possible. Only her pupils moved.

Yui smirked.

Her little Azu-nyan was _so_ predictable.

"Azu-nyan, it's okay, relax~" said Yui, smiling. "I don't really have a dead body in here."

At these words of reassure Azusa's cheeks flared red.

"I-I already knew that!"

"Of course you did, Azu-nyan."

But Yui's somewhat condescending tones of comfort did little calm Azusa's irritations. Instead, they seemed to fuel them, like adding wood to an already blazing fire.

If Azusa hadn't been holding onto that mysterious pot, Yui had no doubt her fingers would be curled into fists.

"D-don't talk to me like that! I'm not stupid!" Azusa snapped at her.

"Of course, Azu-nyan~"

"And don't look at me like that, either!"

"I'm sorry, little kitten," Yui smiled, and began to pat the younger girl on the head, as though she truly were an obedient kitty. Her hair was so smooth and shiny… And smelt faintly of strawberries? Yui opened her mouth and began to talk before the thought had even registered in her head; "It's nice…"

The blush on Azusa's cheeks intensified at these affections. "S-stop that…"

"Hehe~" With a sheepish giggle Yui drew her fingers away. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it, it's so tempting! Like, you know how when you have a yoghurt you have to lick the little yoghurty bit on the top? It was sort of like that~ Impossible to resist!"

Azusa rolled her eyes. "You are so odd, Yui-senpai. I'll never understand your warped reasoning abilities." Azusa paused. "…Not that I'd want to."

"And that makes me interesting!~"

With that, Yui struck an over-the-top anime pose most would rather have died than tried to replicate in real life. She winked, formed a peace sign with both hands and balanced on one leg, the one not used to support her bent at the knee and stuck out behind her. However, it was too difficult keeping up such a pose for too long. (how did Sailor Moon manage it? Hmn… Maybe being a two-dimensional animated character had its perks).

At Yui's precarious trembling Azusa moved out of the way; she had no desire for that stupid Jenga tower of a girl to collapse and scatter herself onto her. Her grip on the pot increased, until her knuckles went white.

Yui couldn't help but smile more at Azusa's worry.

Azusa was so transparent with her emotions, despite her attempts to mask them. She really wore her heart on her sleeve.

_She's nice and easy to understand._

_Azu-nyan will never change._

It made Yui feel safe.

Warm.

Happy.

Yui brought her airborne foot back down to earth before she really overbalanced, and smiled at Azusa.

"Hehe, I'm sorry. I just feel all energetic all of a sudden!~ It must have been because of the sudden appearance of a wild Azu-nyan!~"

Azusa rolled her eyes and sighed. "I suspect you've never matured past the five year old stage, Yui-senpai. Pokémon… Really?"

"Why not?"

"It's so childish. You never change, Yui-senpai."

At this, Yui's eyes widened slightly. Her face darkened. Then, she looked at the floor. Her arms drew round her torso protectively, as though Azusa had threatened her.

'_You never change, Yui-senpai'._

That was what she said.

Heh.

It was ironic, really.

_I do believe that statement would be best applied to you, little kitty._

_You really are oblivious._

"U-um…" Azusa tilted her head curiously, blinking at Yui from under her bangs. She'd noticed her comment had hit some nerve- pulled some string- and was now biting her lower lip, looking guilty. Maybe a little worried.

She would never admit it, though.

Yui shook her head. Smiled.

Tried to banish those stupid thoughts.

They were only whimsical speculations, anyway.

Best to ignore them.

She didn't want to worry Azusa.

Although she suspected the twin-tailed girl already knew. There was something _firm _and concrete in those worried brown pools; Azusa did not merely suspect something, like everyone else.

"Ah, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting in the doorway, Azu-nyan," Yui apologised, that light-hearted grin on her face that screamed 'don't take me too seriously- _I _never do.' "You can come in now."

"Thank you."

Azusa followed Yui inside the house, her eyes roving around the artwork on the walls and the wooden floors. After a scant few seconds she came to a halt in the kitchen, and took a seat at the table, facing her smiling upperclassman. She placed the heavy pot down with a dull _thunk._

Like a moth attracted to bright lights, Yui's eyes were focused on that lidded pot as though it were the most important thing in the world.

Yui was always easily distracted like that; mid-way through performances her line of sight would become dominated by shining lights, or an unusual hairstyle of somebody in the audience, or floating dust particles in the air…

It had annoyed Azusa at first, but over time she began to find it comforting.

It was just so perfectly _Yui_ it would be more worrying if she acted to the contrary.

The world was not ready for a mature and sensible Hirasawa Yui.

"Azu-nyan, it smells nice~ Really, really good~"

"W-well, I was making some hot pot-"

"Ooh. You cook, Azu-nyan? That's so cool! It really suits your image!" said Yui cheerily, reaching across the table to pat the cat-like underclassman atop of the head again.

Yui could see it now; Azu-nyan in a cute apron, flour on her fingers and the tip of her nose, cooking... It was the absolute moe dream! So cute... In fact, it was so adorable it nearly fried Yui's brain tissue into yakisoba.

_Can you make yakisoba out of brain tissue…?_

_Somebody should try it._

_Although… probably not literally._

_It sounds disgusting._

"I-it's not that amazing," Azusa continued to stutter. At Yui's touch, a dark, brick-red flush settled across her cheeks. She really should have been more used to this behaviour by now. "A-anyway, I made too much, and I thought... I thought you might want some..." Her voice trailed away, as she looked away uneasily.

There was an inaudible 'because' hanging at the end of that sentence, like the blade of a guillotine.

That wasn't the only reason she was here.

Yui could tell. Despite the air of idiocy that clung about her, she wasn't as dense as people thought. At least, not quite _that_ dense. If her IQ was truly as low as people believed, she'd never have made it past three years old.

Yui, however, didn't prompt Azusa.

She could guess the reason why she was there.

And it had something to do with why she'd been so late to the light music club. Azusa was _never _late; she was the most responsible person there (apart from maybe Mio).

And it had something to do with Jun, too.

But Yui didn't want to think about those things.

It would require too much brain space.

And it hurt too much.

So it was best to ignore the Bad Things that hurt her.

It was best to suffer in silence and pray they went away.

_Just like Ui did._

* * *

"Eeee! It's delicious, it's delicious! Azu-nyan is amazing~" Yui cooed.

Azusa was looking modestly at her interlinked fingers, her cheeks light pink. "I-it's not."

"I wouldn't say it wasn't if it wasn't!" Yui exclaimed, taking another spoonful of Azusa's cooking. Yui could picture Azusa making this now, with love and compassion and that great, serious, narrow-eyed care she put in everything, from schoolwork to playing guitar. It made it taste even better. "I bet this is the best hotpot ever!"

"I haven't been cooking for very long. It's not that good." Azusa shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Don't put yourself down, Azu-nyan~ I know good food when I taste it. And the fact Azu-nyan made it makes it even better!~"

Azusa looked quite flushed, like an adorable tomato with pigtails. At the same time, however, she looked quite pleased with herself- in a humble way. "Okay, if you insist. But you can't have tried that much good food, Yui-senpai."

"Not true!" Yui protested, puffing out her cheeks like a chipmunk. "Mugi-chan's cakes are heavenly!"

"There is a difference between sweet and savoury though."

"Doesn't change the fact I _have _had good food, and I know _enough_ about good food to know THIS is good food!"

"Eheh… Believe what you like then."

"I intend to."

In little under a minute, Yui's bowl was sparklingly clean, as though it had just been run through the dishwasher. It was the first proper meal Yui had had all day.

It reminded her a little of Ui's cooking.

_Ui..._

Suddenly, the lingering taste of the hotpot, which had felt so comforting before, now began to taste bitter. Her stomach clenched.

Was it a betrayal to Ui, eating somebody else's food?

Or, worse still, was she going to rely on Azusa now?

She didn't want Azusa to become another Ui.

She didn't want to replace her.

_Azusa isn't Ui._

_But see how she's trying to take her place._

_You should know her down a few pegs._

_Tell her she's not __**that**__ special._

Yui's eyes widened. She felt sick. That metallic taste grew heavier and thicker, until it felt like she had a mouth full of iron.

_Why am I thinking these things?_

_W-why?_

"Yui-senapi." There was worry evident in Azusa's voice, as she tilted her head and looked at Yui with those huge, concerned eyes. "Are you alright?"

"O-oh?" Once more, Yui was snapped out of her thoughts with such force she felt she could almost hear an audible 'ping' noise to accompany it. "I'm fine! I'm fine, seriously, don't worry, hehe!~"

Except, Azusa knew.

Yui was sure she knew.

Why would she have come over otherwise?

The underclassman didn't look convinced by Yui's performance.

"W-well... I don't know if I should say... But, um..." There were too many pauses between Azusa's words. The sentence had as many holes as Swiss cheese. Her eyes kept flickering around the room, from the ceiling, to walls, to floor, even her own fingers coiled in her lap. Anywhere but Yui.

"What, Azu-nyan?" Yui asked. But her voice was no longer the same. It was colder. Just slightly- the temperature on the thermostat had only been altered by a few Fahrenheit- but it was enough to make Azusa flinch.

The food continued to curdle in Yui's stomach.

It felt heavy.

Everything felt heavy.

She wanted to go and curl up under her duvet again.

Would that be running away?

But it was easier to run than face her problems. It hurt less. Or... something like that, anyway. Yui didn't know.

How could she know how to react in a situation she'd never been in before?

It would have hurt less if she had Ui to hold her hand.

_Her decaying, decomposing, lifeless hand._

_She's __**dead.**_

_And she's never coming back._

"Well..." Azusa still looked unsure, but a new determination was beginning to blaze in her eyes. Azusa was like that. She was always so serious about everything she did. It was the same expression she wore just before a performance; not sure if everything would be okay, but 100% dedicated to doing her best. It was the sort of face you couldn't argue against. "Jun-chan was talking to me, and it's just... She said-"

"It was about Ui, wasn't it?"

Except, it wasn't really a question. It was a statement, because Yui knew- and the lack of surprise on Azusa's face was confirmation enough.

So she _did _know.

Jun had been telling people.

Well, she didn't have a right! Ui was **Yui's **sister, and that came before whatever friendship Ui and Jun might have had. Jun should have asked Yui for permission before she told everyone everything, that was just **too** insensitive.

Yui didn't want everyone to know.

She didn't want them to worry.

She wanted everything to be the same.

But, if Azusa knew...

"I-I'm sorry, Yui-senpai." Azusa's voice was quiet, and it slowly trailed away into nothing at all. Nonexistence. To the same plane of non-being as Ui.

Yui felt tired.

Being happy was tiring. Being sad was doubly so.

And being angry was worse.

"It's..." Yui struggled for the words to say. She couldn't bring herself to be mad at Azusa; she was only concerned. Even so, she wished she hadn't... All these conflicting emotions were giving her a headache. "It's okay, Azu-nyan."

"You always looked so close, I... I thought... Why didn't you tell me? Tell any of us? We could help you, Yui-chan. Y-you can't get through this alone!"

"I don't want any you to know," said Yui, in those tired, defeated tones. She sounded like a young businessman who'd just lost his company.

Yui sounded world-weary.

Exhausted.

Mature.

And utterly defeated.

It was enough to make Azusa shudder.

"I thought if you didn't know... Maybe everything would be like normal. Ha…" Yui gave a short, humourless laugh, and shook her head. It felt heavy- it hurt to hold it up. "Well that a good idea."

"Senpai-"

"I don't want to be treated any differently!" Yui's voice was suddenly forceful. She slammed a palm on the table. The force was enough to make the half-filled pot of hotpot bounce dangerously. "If everyone's pitying me, then it won't be normal! It won't be fun! It'll be..." Yui shook her head. The energy had gone, quick as it arrived. "It'll be different. You'll _treat me _different. I don't want that."

Azusa look awkward, unsure. A person trying to diffuse a difficult bomb. Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire?

Or maybe Yui was a bomb that would explode either way.

Was it inevitable?

Yui had been too happy. This was karmic retribution.

The happier the person, the worse they had to fall. The more they stood to lose.

The bigger the explosion.

"Yui-senpai. I-I'm sorry, really. But I can't help worrying. M-maybe you'll feel better if you talk to somebody?"

"I'm talking to you right now, Azu-nyan."

"Or somebody else? Some of the others? Maybe not Ritsu, not at first, but Mio-chan and Mugi-chan would understand, and-"

"**No**." Yui's voice was firm. "I don't want the others to know. One person is enough. And you can tell _**Jun **_to stop broadcasting the news to the whole school."

"She only told me," Azusa was quick to reassure Yui. "S-she was really upset... Crying. It was horrible..."

_Good._

_I hope she's __**miserable.**_

_If she hates what she did so much, why didn't she push Ui out of the way and get hit by the car instead? Then __everybody__ would be happy._

"Jun-chan said... She said she wanted to help Ui, but she didn't notice until it was too late," said Azusa tentatively. She looked at Yui with questioning eyes. "You don't blame Jun-chan, do you? Jun-chan was worried…"

"Eh?" Yui feigned confusion. "Oh course I don't, Azu-nyan. That's... that's not how I feel at all."

In actuality, Auzsa had been dead-on with her words.

But Yui didn't want her to know.

_I _know _it's wrong to be mad at Jun-chan. It really wasn't her fault. I know that. She didn't do anything bad._

_...I guess I just want somebody to blame._

_It would be too horrible to accept Ui died for no reason- for no purpose whatsoever._

_But people die all the time, don't they?_

_Ui's not that special._

_Thousands- no, millions- of people are going about their daily lives, and they didn't know who Ui was, and they don't give a damn either. That is the reality of this situation. The whole world didn't end because Ui did. My life shouldn't grind to halt because Ui doesn't _have _a life anymore..._

_...But, even so..._

_I can't stop feeling like this._

_I can't help it._

And Yui wasn't used to restraining her emotions, or putting on facades. Hell, she'd never **had** to before; her old emotions were all of the overly-energetic, much-too-cheerful high-school-girl-from-a-cute-slice-of-life-anime-where-nothing-went-wrong variety.

These emotions were new.

And she knew everyone would dislike her for it.

"W-well, that's good. Because Jun-chan's upset too..." Even though Azusa tried to sound confident, there was still a note of uncertainty to her words. "A-ah!" Suddenly, the shorter girl got to her feet, and clenched her hands at her front. She looked energetic. It was the kind of enthusiasm she usually saved for playing guitar, or convincing the others it really would be prudent to _put down your tea and cakes for three minutes and practise a little, guys!_

Yui blinked at Azusa in confusion.

"Y-yui-senpai, why don't we play something together?"

"But you don't have your guitar, Azu-nyan."

At this Azusa looked more than a little surprised. She widened her eyes, and began to look about her. Then she looked back at Yui, her cheeks light pink.

"A-ah..." Her voice faltered.

Yui couldn't help but smile at this display.

Azu-nyan really was adorable. It was so unlike her to forget about something so basic; she always claimed airheads were annoying. But Azusa had been so set on cheering Yui up she'd become a forgetful airhead herself.

"Hehe. It's okay, Azu-nyan~" said Yui, petting Azusa's head once more. "We can play together next time if you want."

"Next time?"

"You can come over again if you want. Hehe." Yui's eyes lit up like twin diamonds, sparkling with happiness. She prodded Azusa in the forehead gently. "It'll be fun! Don't pull a confused expression like that."

"I-I wasn't!" Azusa retorted weakly.

Yui could only smile.

Maybe some things would never change.

That was comforting.

It didn't have to be different.

Not now.

Not ever.

* * *

**a.n: **I hope people aren't reading this hoping for a lot of Yui/Azu, because there won't be XD It's just on the side, but it's not the main 'meat' of the fic XD (Saying this so I don't disappoint anybody later~ o: It's not a romance fic. Or if it is, it's a pretty bad romance -is shot-)

renahhchen xoxoxo


	6. o5: Pest

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter Five

'Pest'

* * *

The following days swept past in a haze of sound bytes and color and noise- lots of noise (never-ending girls' chatter? It sounded strangely reminiscent of that song.)

Like before, Yui found herself sleeping in class. However, her fatigue wasn't due to her short attention span and poor relationship with algebraic formula this time. It was due to physical exhaustion.

In short, Yui hadn't been getting enough sleep.

Every night she dozed in and out of foggy dreams and painfully acute wakefulness, but when the next morning dawned she didn't feel light and refreshed. Instead, she had a headache, and it felt like her skull was filled with rocks. There was an avalanche inside the confines of her head and it hurt to think.

(Sawako-sensei would have made some comment like 'that's not too different from normal, then.'

Well, that wasn't remotely true. Yui _did _think a lot- just not about the same old ordinary things others did; Ui would always take care of the practical worrying, like food and washing up, etc, and so on. Yui could think about whatever she wanted- usually cakes or playing guitar, or whether Tachibana Himeko was actually Sawa-chan's estranged daughter, _or_ the teacher herself thrown back through time owing to some strange physics theorems and a flying phone box- because Ui did all the difficult stuff. Her life really had been devoid of complications...

_Sigh_.)

It was a miracle she'd even arisen from her bed that morning at all. She'd felt like death. Her rightful place on the planet was a morgue or crypt or coffin, buried six feet underground (why was it always six?)

Her rightful place was, and always would be, with Ui.

What was she doing in her crumpled school uniform?

Why was she sat behind her desk?

Was there any point in staring at the blackboard? The white chalk characters didn't make any sense anyway; with her eyes crossed, they all blurred into one.

Was there any point to _any _of this?

But Yui didn't even want to ponder that question. The mere thought of it made her heartbeat increase- even though the question skirted the corners of her mind, not daring to take centre stage, she had to pack it away quickly- shut it up, place it in a box, lock it up, throw away the key.

Bury it in the ground.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Some things should not be pondered.

Should _never _be pondered; because Yui had a feeling she wouldn't like the answer. This was probably a quandary most people puzzled over at some point in their lives, and maybe they came a suitable conclusion or maybe they didn't, but Yui had a feeling she was one those people who fell into the second category. The ones who couldn't find a reason. The ones who ended up...

Well.

She didn't much want to think about that, either.

That burning taste of metal and fire was back in her mouth.

It was in her whole body.

It _hurt._

Trying to keep her eyelids open in class was a struggle.

Then, she wondered why she was even bothering to try.

Exhaustion crashed through her in waves; a dull, blunt force that drove her head to her desk like a paperweight and knocked her unconsciousness into the land of heavy, dreamless sleep. It wasn't soft or gentle at all.

Just painful.

Normally, Ui woke her up in the morning... but Ui wasn't there anymore. It was just another huge, gaping hole left in Yui's life where her sister used to be. Relying on an alarm clock for the wake-up call each morning seemed so mechanical and impersonal when compared to Ui's gentle "I made you breakfast, onee-chan, so please wake up~"

It wasn't the same.

But Yui had to go to school. She knew she had to. Her exhaustion didn't factor into it. She knew, if she stayed off sick, she'd be trapped by herself with her own misery. She wouldn't know what to do with herself. There was nothing _to _do except think of Ui- and those memories were painfully self-destructive in nature, in that they made Yui sad and angry and a maelstrom of other emotions she couldn't control.

Besides, Yui desperately wanted to see her friends.

Mio. Ritsu. Mugi.

And Azu-nyan.

_Especially_ Azu-nyan.

She needed to see them; to talk with them; to laugh with them.

She needed that normality in her life, she craved it, or she'd go insane. Pretending to be a normal person, with friends and after school clubs and simple worries like grades and what to make for lunch, was a beautiful salvation; it helped her feel slightly less detached from the real world.

Keeping up the pretence helped her to forget about Ui.

(_But did she __want__ to forget about Ui?_

Nagging doubts, nagging doubts- even when she slept they were always there, running round and round and never ending.

Escher's steps.

A paradox?

What did that word mean, anyway? Mio had tried to explain it once, but there were too many long words, and Yui ended up falling asleep...)

At least, with her friends, she was able to feel and act like her old self again.

It made her feel better.

Maths, however, did not. It made her feel weak and achy and tired and her head began to pound even more, as though her brain were launching an escape to get out of her skull. Her head was simply too small to hold such a huge bundle of conflicting emotion and fatigue.

Being hurt again and again was exhausting.

So she slept.

She'd begun to find it difficult to sleep at home. Beforehand, it had been easy- an escape from all the terrible things that had happened. Now, it was almost impossible. The house was too cold, too lonely, and filled with memories of her and Ui. The ghost of her sister haunted her house, wailing at night with every gust of wind.

Ui's dead, maggot-ridden fingers (_surely they're not maggot-ridden, it's only been a few days_) crept softly down Yui's cheek in the middle of the night.

Her voice, emitting from the cracked and broken thorax, whispered in the dark; "I love you, onee-chan. Always. Forever."

And Yui wanted to admit she loved her, too.

She would always love Ui.

Wasn't that the decent and proper response of any loving sister?

But Ui was not a corpse- Ui was the real, living, _human _girl who smiled and made Yui breakfast and tied up her hair and did the washing up with bright pink gloves and smelt of lemon and disinfectant.

Ui was a happy memory.

An oasis of calm.

The phantom figure in Yui's mind was a monster.

How could you love a corpse?

_They never even let me see her body._

So Yui had to imagine. And she suspected her imaginings were even worse than the truth. Sometimes she wished Ui hadn't focused all her thoughts around boring, every day stuff- she wished her little sister had shared some of those boring problems with her from time to time- because then Yui wouldn't have been left to wonder about the true parentage of Himeko, or how it was only very pretty people attended their school (a conspiracy?), and her mind would have been _far less_ over imaginative and _far more_ grounded in reality.

She wouldn't have been stuck unable to get to sleep because of all these thoughts circulating round and round and round in her head, on a spin-cycle; or a carousel of pain (hmn... that sounded like a song lyric. Maybe she should tell that to Mio later.

Not that it mattered.)

The thought of Ui's corpse brought bile to Yui's throat, so she tried not to think of it too much- but in the dead of night, with only her own labored breathing for company and the whistle of the wind at her window, she could think of little else.

Morbid curiosity.

Or a wish for self-destruction.

But at school Yui was with Mio and Ritsu and Mugi and Azu-nyan. The atmosphere was friendlier. Happier. And, even though Ui had attended this school, her memory did not taint every single thing.

It was easier to relax here. Easier to sleep. And easier to dream of pleasant things. With Mio-chan and Mugi-chan and Ricchan, Yui felt safer; it was as though their friendly presences were warding off some unknown evil that was plaguing her brain.

At home, it had become impossible to sleep.

Did the sleepless nights and bloodshot eyes mean she was an insomniac?

_Ha…_

That was another problem Yui had read about in books and seen on TV documentaries, but it was never a term she believed she could apply to herself.

At first, sleep had been her sole refuge from the memories- her only happy place.

Now, it was a breeding ground of fear and misery and loneliness, because even in her fantasies, Ui never came back.

Not the Ui she knew.

The world really had gone mad.

Insane.

Of course, she'd known that the moment she heard Ui was dead.

* * *

"Yui, did you take any notes in class?" Mio asked, sighing as Yui helped herself, uninvited, to the contents of Mio's bento box.

She'd forgotten her lunch, too. The second time in a row. If Yui was to forget _anything_, Mio was sure it would've been her pencil case, school books- hell, even her uniform- but not her _food_. Yui loved eating. She was one of those people who spoke with their mouths full, not showing any self-restraint.

And, even if Yui didn't like her _food,_ she liked her sister. She would never forget to bring a meal her sister had made for her. Their bond of sisterly love was unbreakable; iron chains- or maybe the red tie of destiny.

(Mio often thought of things in poetic terms, even if Ritsu teased her for it; it made the world sound like a more beautiful place).

But, apparently not.

Because Yui had forgotten.

_Again._

Maybe sisterly love was no match against stupidity or forgetfulness; which a rather depressing thought, but Mio had a feeling, when it came to Hirasawa Yui, this was true.

"I'm sorry, what was that, Mio-chan?" Yui asked, blinking her wide eyes innocently at Mio.

The dark-haired girl sighed. She wondered how she was friends with such people- worrying about Yui would kill her one day.

How Ui managed, she didn't know.

She must have been stronger than she looked.

"I said," Mio reiterated, her voice stony with irritation, "did you take any notes at all?"

"Mmnope!" Was Yui's cheerful reply. She sounded ecstatic, like she'd just run a 10K marathon or won the lottery- not slept in class.

Honestly, it was hardly something to be _triumphant _about.

"Yeah, high five!" said Ritsu enthusiastically, slapping Yui's palm with her own. "We have our priorities sorted out, unlike _that_ boring person over there."

Mio's eyes narrowed. "Don't call be boring!"

"Owch!"

Ritsu gave a short exclamation of pain, as Mio reached across the table and slapped her, none too gently, across her head. If it'd been a gag four panel manga, steam and a comically over-sized lump would've sprung to life from Ritsu's scalp.

"Good grief," said Mio, with a sigh. "You two should take your work more seriously."

"And you take everything _too _seriously," said Ritsu, sticking out her tongue. "You don't know how to have fun."

"T-that's not true! Just because I'm not irresponsible like you, it doesn't mean I'm dull!"

"All work and no fun makes Mio a dull girl~" said Ritsu, sniggering to herself.

Mio narrowed her eyes, folded her arms. She turned her head, hair bouncing she did so, and gave a small 'humph!' She refused to be drawn in to Ritsu's childish insults- she was better than that.

"The saying doesn't even go like that," said Mio.

Even so, she couldn't resist baiting Ritsu, just a little.

"But you admit you're no fun, right?"

"I-I never said that!"

"That should be your new name! I can just see it now!" said Ritsu enthusiastically. She held her hands up in the air above her head, as though pointing at something on the ceiling. Naturally, Yui, Mugi and Mio's eyes followed her hands. "It shall follow you everywhere you go, and everyone you meet shall say 'Oh, look, it's Akiyama Mio: The Place Where Fun and Humor Goes to Rot and Die'!"

"Ooh, that's a brilliant title! It's all complicated, just like Mio-chan!" said Yui, bouncing up and down in her seat.

"It is, isn't it?" Ritsu winked. "I'm a genius!"

At this, Mio's left eye twitched. Her fingers formed into fists very, very slowly. The red flush on her cheeks only made her look dangerous.

"Idiot!"

Mio's fist moved so quickly nobody saw it, until it had collided with Ritsu's forehead for the second time.

"Whoa…" said Yui, staring at the still flushed Mio in awe. "Lightning reflexes! Mio-chan's a ninja!"

"Hehe," Mugi laughed in her lady-like way, one hand over her mouth. "You and Ricchan always act so happy around each other."

"I-it's not like that… A-and stop looking at me like that, Yui!" said Mio, turning to fix Yui with a death glare. It didn't really work, though- Mio was too embarrassed and her face too red to manage a decent 'I will stab you' expression. "I-I'm not a ninja!"

Yui began to laugh, and was soon by joined by Ritsu and Mugi, much to Mio's embarrassment.

But Yui didn't really care.

_Being with these people..._

_It's always so much fun._

The darker thoughts she'd been entertaining during class had all but left her during their carefree conversation. She felt at peace. Happy.

"Y-yui-senpai?"

Yui felt a hand on her shoulder, and she turned round, still smiling, to see Azusa stood behind her.

"Ah, Azu-nyan! Hello!" said Yui, giving her underclassman a hug round the middle. Her motion was so fast, it very nearly made Azusa fall over- although she really should have been used to it by now.

Some things never changed, though.

"Y-yui…" said Azusa, forgetting the 'senpai' in her flustered moment of indignation. "Don't do that in a classroom, geez. It's embrassing."

"Heheh." Yui drew away from the shorter girl, looking a little sheepish. "Sorry, Azu-nyan! Some habits are break~ I was just excited to see you here; don't you usually stay in your own classroom at lunch?" Yui's eyes lit up; they were almost sparkling. "Or maybe you were just so excited to see me you couldn't wait until later? Hehehe~"

"Urgh..." Azusa sighed, and rolled her eyes. "A change of pace is fine, too. You're such a child."

Azusa was trying to sound aloof, but her voice cracked a little. She folded her arms and looked away- a motion that mirrored Mio's previous actions almost exactly. Sometimes watching Azusa was like watching a shorter Mio.

A shorter Mio with pigtails.

Actually, Mio and Azusa looked pretty alike when their hair was tied up…

Maybe they were related in some way?

They even acted the same a lot of the time, too…

Perhaps Yui had cracked the conspiracy; the mystery behind why all the girls were so pretty, and some of them looked so similar... All the students and teachers were somehow related! Or maybe it was a result of some freak laboratory experiment gone awry? Maybe they were all undefeatable cyborgs!

Yui felt sure, if this was a manga or anime, such a thing would have been entirely possible; no, not only that, it was the logical explanation!

"That's it!" said Yui suddenly, slapping a fist into her palm, a typical 'eureka!' gesture.

"What? What is it, Yui-chan?" Ritsu asked interestedly, leaning across the table. As she did so, she very nearly put her hand in Mio's open bento box. "Did you figure out something amazing and groundbreaking?"

"Yes, Commander Ricchan!" said Yui, saluting (Mio rolled her eyes). "I just realised that Nakano Azusa and Akiyama Mio are long lost sisters! Or maybe the same person, with time travel involved… I don't know. But it's definitely suspicious!"

There was a long pause.

"…What." Was all Mio and Azusa could manage.

"No, don't dispute her theory!" said Ritsu seriously, nodding. "I see it!" She formed a picture frame with the thumb and forefinger of each hand, and centred it on Azusa's flushed face. Then, she moved it to Mio. "There is a definite similarity! This needs to be looked into! Could it be time travel? Or maybe Azu-nyan is a clone of Mio-chan, formed from a strand of her hair in a laboratory? You shouldn't dispute these things so quickly! Well done, Subordinate Yui-chan!"

"No problem, Ricchan!"

"Don't be stupid," said Mio, lightly flicking Ritsu in the forehead. "Don't encourage her. And you," she turned to Yui, "don't encourage Ritsu." The bassist sighed and placed her fingers to her temple, as though trying to shake off a headache. "It's not like she _needs_ any encouragement."

"Eheh. Mio-chan is so sensible it hurts sometimes," Yui giggled.

"Now, Azusa-chan," said Mio, turning to the younger girl. She smiled in that mature way of hers that was the main reason everyone believed she was so sophisticated and dangerous- until she began quivering at the mere mention of 'barnacles', of course. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"U-um, yes." Azusa nodded. She looked nothing short of relieved that Mio had saved her from Yui and Ritsu. "Ahem. Yui-senpai, Jun-chan… Um…"

At the sound of Jun's name, Yui's cheery attitude vanished, like evaporating water.

Her eyes narrowed.

She looked down at the table.

_Jun-chan again, huh?_

_She sure is popular lately. I've seen the looks of pity people have been giving her, the things they say; 'oh, you saw it happen? That must have been awful!' and 'hang in there, Jun-chan' and 'to lose your best friend so quickly... I-I'm so sorry, Jun-chan.'_

_What about me?_

_Why are they all so quick to comfort _Jun_?_

_Why would you feel sympathy for a murderer?_

_I-I... I don't understand..._

"W-well, Jun-chan wants to talk to you about… um… something," said Azusa vaguely.

"Hey, senpai."

It was then, for the first time, Yui noticed the pigtailed girl was stood behind Azusa. She hadn't even noticed at first, being so pleased to see the underclassman, but now…

Jun had sounded so casual.

'_Hey, senpai'_.

Really? She could talk like that so easily after Ui… After…?

_Jun has no right to sound happy, not after she saw Ui…_

_But she has no right to be sad, either, because Ui was __**my**__ sister, not her's. She doesn't understand!_

_Why does she have to bring up Ui?_

_These are the only times I can forget about her._

_I just want to have fun._

_I want to pretend everything's alright and normal and the way it was before! Jun's trying to ruin everything, she…_

_I…_

_I don't want to forget about Ui._

_But I don't want to remember her either!_

_I'd feel so guilty if I forgot… But it hurts too much to remember! I don't know what to feel! I don't know what to do! But I'm sure Ui would want me to be happy. She wouldn't want me to brood over it._

_But Ui's a corpse now._

_Ui's __**dead**__._

_**What she wants doesn't matter anymore.**_

_Jun made sure of that._

_Everything is her fault!_

_She was with Ui when she died. She could have stopped it. B-but she didn't! I would have… I would. Really._

_Jun's life is not as important as Ui's._

_That's the truth._

Even if it was true, Yui felt terrible for thinking it.

Except…

In some strange, sick way, it also comforted her, because she knew it was true. She valued Ui more than Jun. Well, everybody would value their sister more than their sister's friend.

It was perfectly natural.

Normal.

Normal to want to punch Jun in the face- to scream at her- to make her suffer even one seventh of the pain she caused Ui!-

Yui hadn't realized it, but she hadn't been breathing.

Her lungs instantly filled with air once she was aware of this fact. She felt like she'd been running a race; needles prickled at her lungs in an uncomfortable piercing sensation.

Yui forced a smile on top of the scowl before it was too late, before people noticed and questions were asked.

Questions were bad.

Ignorance was good.

Happiness was good, too.

_Right._

_Be happy._

_Look happy._

Luckily, the others- save Azusa- did not seem to have noticed Yui's momentary personality change.

"Hmn, Yui-chan~" said Ritsu, elbowing Yui in the side. "I wonder what Jun-chan wants. It _can't _be for homework- we all saw you sleeping through class!"

"Says you," said Mio, sighing. "Weren't you boasting a few minutes ago that only 'boring people did work'? You sure changed your tune pretty quickly."

"Hey, Mio-chan, don't say such things! We need to set the underclassmen an example!" said Ritsu indignantly, as though the dark haired girl had been the one sleeping in class instead of her.

"Who would want to follow _your _example?" Mio shot back.

"Ah…" said Mugi, swaying in her seat. There was a distinct dreamy expression on her face- one which heralded strange fantasies the others did not wish to know about. "Maybe Jun-chan wants to talk in private to Yui because the relationship between two girls-"

"You're over-thinking things," said Mio flatly.

"Yeah, this isn't a dating sim," said Ritsu. Her voice then took a speculative tone; "Although I did try one once…"

But, before she could finish, Mio slapped a hand over Ritsu's mouth.

"If I have to hear any more from you, I swear my IQ will drop."

"And we couldn't have that, Mio-chan," Ritsu managed to make out through Mio's splayed fingers. "Then you'd be _one of us_! _One... of... usss.. Give us your braainn, Mio-chan..._" she began to moan, in zombie-like tones.

True to form, Mio gave a small squeak and jumped up, taking her fingers away from Ritsu's mouth as she did so. She turned to nail Ritsu with a hurt, wide-eyed glare so powerful it was equivalent to a kick in the face.

"R-ritsu! Stupid Ritsu! Don't talk like that!"

"But Mio-chaaan~"

A small pout tugged at Mugi's lips. It seemed she had been interested in Ritsu's forays with dating sims; she had been leaning forward, her eyes wide.

Yui would have laughed, had her heart been in it.

Had Jun not been there.

Her presence was poisonous.

It tainted everything.

And then it hit Yui, with the force of a freight train;

_I'll never be happy as long as she's around._

_**Never.**_

_She was there when Ui died; she saw what happened; she could have stopped it. She didn't. It should have been __her__._

_Maybe, if... I-if I set that right..._

_Could I...?_

But her smile didn't falter, and her gaze did not shift.

She continued to look at Jun, smiling like a summer's day.

Oh- Jun was saying something.

Her lips were moving.

But Yui hadn't been listening.

"What was that?" Yui asked, blinking up at the two underclassman. She giggled. "Sorry- I've not been super-attentive lately. U-um... Yeah."

"You're _never_ super-attentive, Yui-chan," said Azusa, shaking her head. "Geez. What a dummy."

Yui giggled. "You know me too well, Azu-nyan."

"U-um…" Jun was shifting, looking awkward.

She didn't belong with the Ho-kago Tea Time- not unless Ui was there, too. That thought made Yui's smile more sincere; almost predatory.

_You're not wanted._

_We all know that._

_I wish you wouldn't insist on hanging around._

"Anyway, Yui-senpai," said Jun, after a pause. She looked awkward. "U-um… As I said before… S-shall we go? I-I need to speak to you and, um… Yeah. T-that's what I wanted to say."

"Ah? Oh, sure thing, Jun-chan," said Yui. "I've already finished lunch anyway."

"_My _lunch," Mio corrected.

"Heheh. Sorry, Mio-chan."

* * *

**a.n:** aheheh... I feel the ending I have right now really wouldn't be popular, considering the reviews I'm getting -sweatdrop- I'll probably rewrite it, then... I don't know, I feel the ending I have at the moment would offend people -.-  
Oh, what to do...


	7. o6: No, Impossible

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter Six

'No, Impossible'

* * *

"So what did you want, Jun-chan?" Yui asked.

The two girls were stood in the familiar light music club room. It was empty, save for Ton-chan, who was swimming about aimlessly in his over-sized tank. Azusa had stayed behind in the classroom with Mugi, Mio and Ritsu. She hadn't wanted to come between Jun and Yui's heart-to-heart; she was thoughtful like that.

Perhaps a little _too _thoughtful.

Yui didn't want to look at Jun.

Not yet.

She didn't want to think of Jun as a human being- a real person. She had killed Ui. Her feelings didn't matter. _**She **_didn't matter.

Yui knew what she was going to do.

It was the only way.

But she didn't want to give it too much thought.

Her butterscotch eyes were focused intently on Ton-chan's gargantuan tank. Surely it was the equivalent of a rich person's mansion! Maybe it was a little too extravagant for a turtle?

Not that it really mattered.

It was just an idle thought.

Did Ton-chan have any brothers or sisters?

What about his parents? Did they worry about him?

Of course not; Yui had read somewhere animals were less caring towards their young than humans. Didn't birds push their babies out of their nests? If they couldn't fly, then…

Well.

That was too bad.

Yui felt something clench in her stomach.

But, from where she was standing, Ton-chan seemed fine. It was as though he didn't have a care in the world.

Maybe that was an act.

Did turtles have worries?

Did Ton-chan have anybody like Ui?

Ui…

_A dead-eyed corpse with dilated pupils, completely black; hair messy, come out of it's usual ponytail; her shoulder crushed from blunt force trauma- _she was hit by a car, I never got to see her body_- with some white bone poking through the distressed skin like flowers through soil._

_Or hands from a grave._

Ui had always been so pretty.

She was clever, too, and good at housework; she could sew loose buttons back onto Yui's clothes and conjure delicious meals out of nowhere. She knew exactly which kind of powder to put in the washing machine. She always remembered to pay the gas bill and electricity bill and TV licence.

Since she couldn't remember when, Yui had relied on Ui for everything.

She would have made somebody a good wife one day- Yui remembered she told Ui that once, and she had blushed. Ui was so smart and mature- not at all like her clumsy, fumbling big sister. She had a bright and shining future ahead of her; "and I'll be there to borrow money from you when you're famous, Ui-chan," Yui had joked.

And what did Ui reply?

"_No matter how old we get, I'll always be there for you, onee-chan. I promise."_

"_Pinky promise?"_

"_Of course!"_

_And they had laughed._

Yui felt herself shudder with the memory.

Why did people make promises they couldn't keep?

Why did Ui have to **lie** to her?

That stung more than anything else.

_Ui spoke from cracked lips with missing teeth; a grotesque smile- a parody of sisterly affection; "I love you, onee-chan, and I'll always love you. I'll always be with you. Always."_

_Yui felt sick._

_Backed away._

_She hated herself for it. Ui was her own sister, her own __flesh and blood__- but that flesh was mangled and the blood was in her mouth, down her chin, caked on her clothes, hair, __**all over the road**__._

_And all over Jun's hands._

_How could Yui love a corpse?_

_Or, rather…_

_How could Jun have let it happen?_

_**Useless.**_

_**Pathetic.**_

_**Murderer.**_

Yui surveyed Jun with slanted eyes; a snake coiled round a rabbit. She had chosen to lean against the door, locking it after Jun entered behind her. She doubted the twin-tailed girl had noticed- she had been looking at the floor, mostly.

Her head hung limply, as though she'd been hung.

Jun's eyes still hadn't met Yui's.

Was she frightened of what she would see in Yui's face?

Or was she more terrified of what she had _done?_

Yui's face was uncannily similar to her sister's, after all. Would Jun see the girl she had murdered in the older sister's accusatory glare?

Well, she **should have done****.**

Yui's likeness to her sister had caused her to stare at herself in the mirror for a long time yesterday. Maybe a little _too _long to be healthy. She couldn't sleep (phantom Ui had tormented her from the fringes of her mind, mocking her, '_I love you, onee-san_') and, somehow, she had ended up in front of her mirror.

She had stared at her reflection for a long time, taking in every minute detail; her eyes, nose, lips, the curve of her face and the way her hair fell in her eyes.

Exactly like Ui.

Appearance-wise, they were the same.

But the personalities couldn't have been more different.

Yui had pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and she had smiled- imagined it was the real Ui (not the dead, crumbling shadow of a memory) facing her, laughing with her.

_I love you, onee-chan. Always and forever._

_Let's pinky promise._

But it had been an illusion.

Ui-Yui was, in the end, no more real than the decaying phantom that stalked Yui's mind- clicking through her head and pulling on the wires of her brain with skeletal fingers. Despite their similarities, there were discrepancies; Ui's nose had been more snub, her eyes had been wider, her lips had been rounder.

Her voice had been different.

Her thoughts had been different.

_She _had been different.

Well, of course she had.

Ui had been smeared across the road like plasticine- _so much for your __promises__, why did you have to go and DIE on me? Did you think of ME at all when you let yourself be hit by that car? Did you think of how I would feel when your heart stopped beating and your brain stopped working?_

_Ui, how could you be so __selfish?_

_Why are you making me hate you…?_

Yui was still alive, still playing childish 'pretend' games, tying her hair up and smiling at her reflection.

But there was no harm in it.

No harm in dreaming.

Yui liked her dream world much, much more than her reality.

Jun seemed to be suffering from the same delusion. Maybe she thought, if she apologised to Yui, she could use her as a substitute for the girl she had killed.

A bitter smile tugged at Yui's lips.

_I already tried that, Jun-chan; I tried to apologise for you on Ui's behalf._

_And you know what?_

_It didn't work._

_It didn't work because I'm __**not**__ Ui, and I can't forgive you._

_You're all alone here- I made sure of that._

_Nobody goes to the club rooms at lunch. They stay in their classrooms. At least, most people do._

_If you say something I don't like, I'll be able to shut you up._

_It'll be easy._

_So fucking easy._

Visions danced behind Yui's eyes; the skeletal fingers were pulling at wires again, making Yui's brain click and whir in ways it had never done before.

Jun's body, broken and twisted and lying on the floor of the light music club room.

Her eyes were dead.

Her mouth was screaming.

She was bleeding.

_She deserved it._

…_Didn't she?_

Yui felt bile rise in her throat, as the visions became more and more vivid- too bright, too colorful, too **red**, too real.

Was this really her?

Were these really her thoughts?

She pressed two fingers to her temple. She wondered if she'd be able to feel the tender chords and wires in her brain being pulled to some crazed symphony- but, of course, there was nothing.

The voice didn't stop.

The images kept on coming.

Had she always had this person inside of her?

Did everyone?

But Yui had never needed this cynical side before because her life had been so light-hearted and happy. She wasn't used it to. It sounded _dead_, without a shred of compassion at all.

_Jun deserves it though, doesn't she?_

_She let Ui die._

_She killed your sister._

_**No, no, no!**_

_**She didn't mean to, it was an accident!**_

Yui shook her head, twitching slightly. Her fingers balled into fists slowly, the nails digging uncomfortably into her palm. Then they relaxed. And the process kept repeating.

The voice gave a derisive laugh.

_Accident?_

_That doesn't change _anything; _you can prevent accidents._

_Because of _**her**_, Ui's dead and Jun's alive._

_She ruined your life._

Yui shuddered.

Why wouldn't it shut up?

Shut it up shut it up shut it up

_**It's not true!**_

Deny it.

It doesn't exist.

Bad things don't exist.

Bad things can't hurt me- not in my fantasy world.

"Y-yui-senpai…" said Jun softly. She reached a hand out to the shuddering upperclassman, but it stopped in mid-air. She had seen something in Yui's face. Something… quite unlike her ordinary personality. Her fingers hovered, unsure whether to reach out or give up.

In the end, she chose neither.

Those extended fingers, that outreaching arm, remained stuck in mid-air; frozen, like a photograph. A snapshot in time.

A moment for Yui to make a decision.

A moment wasn't enough.

"Senpai, are… Are you alright?"

And, at that question, Yui fell apart.

Was she alright? 

**Jun had the audacity to ask her if she was ****alright****?**

Surely she already knew the answer? Or maybe she was just _stupid_.

Stupid and insensitive.

A deadly combination.

It wasn't Jun's fault she was stupid; there were lots of stupid people in the world- that was genetics and an inability to grasp the simplest of situations, but it didn't matter if it was her fault or not- it didn't matter if Jun was right, if there really **had** been no way to save Ui, it didn't matter if Jun was innocent.

It didn't really matter whose fault it was.

It didn't change the outcome.

Ui was still dead.

Her baby sister was still **dead**.

A combination that led to her baby sister's death.

The baby sister she couldn't live without.

_It was an accident._

_So what?_

Somebody_ has to pay for it. That's how the world works, right? You take something of mine, I take something of yours. Taking, taking, everybody's always __taking__. If they took Ui away- if they took my __**life**__ away- then I have every right to do the same._

_An eye for an eye, right?_

Yui twitched.

Could she do it? Could she really make those too-bright, too real images her head reality?

The thought of it made her feel sick.

The thought of doing nothing made her feel even sicker.

Her stomach churned.

The few morsels of food she had stolen from Mio were congealing in her stomach. The taste of acid flared in her mouth; she had to clap one hand over her parted lips to quell the nausea.

It didn't really work.

How could Yui hurt Jun?

How could she even _contemplate _it?

That wasn't Yui- those were the thoughts of somebody else- _get this voice out of my head! Please… Please stop it…_

_But it won't stop._

_It won't stop, because it's me._

_And it won't __ever__ stop because it's right._

Yui wanted everything to stay the same.

She wanted to be the same, cheerful Yui, with the same cheerful existence, with her sister by her side and her old life restored.

_Why does everything want to hurt me…?_

But her mind scorned her idle hopes and slashed through her childish, crayola-colored fantasies of flower-strewn fields and happy families.

_No. Impossible._

_The world is a horrible place. People like Jun make it worse. People who cry and act the victim when they __**don't understand**__; well, I'll make her understand._

If the world could take away Ui, it could take away anything else.

Nothing was sacred.

Everything was in jeopardy every second of the day.

And Yui didn't want to think like that.

So the only logical explanation was…

_If I get rid of Jun, maybe it'll go away. I'll stop thinking like this! I'll stop being so angry! And I'll be happy._

_Everything will be okay._

_I'll __**make it okay**__._

_And then Ho-kago Tea Time will be together forever._

Jun was the person who had been with Ui when she died. She was the one person who reminded Yui of her sister, more than anything else. Because of Jun, Yui couldn't be happy. And it may have been selfish, but she wanted to be happy- who cared if it hurt Jun?

Jun wasn't even her friend.

Jun was nobody.

Yui had expected her life would always be fun and happy; a wonderland. A paradise.

But life threw an obstacle at her.

She had to overcome it if she wanted everything to return to normal.

That was what Jun was.

An obstacle.

Not a person.

A thing.

"Jun-chan, you're the one who looks upset," said Yui cordially. She sounded almost as ladylike as Mugi. _That_ should have been an indication she wasn't herself, if nothing was. She tilted her head, false concern in her eyes. "Are you okay? Why did you want to talk to me?"

"Y-yui-senpai…"

Jun's shoulders shook. She looked down at the floor, bit her lower lip. But it was no use.

"I-I'm sorry, senpai…"

Her voice broke. It sounded like she was having trouble breathing.

And then she began to cry.

They weren't delicate tears, like those of a beautiful girl in a romantic tragedy. It wasn't the single perfect, dainty, crystalline tear artistically superimposed on a pale cheek. It was full on, loud, noisy baby sobs. It sounded like Jun was choking- she couldn't breathe through her own tears. She began to wipe her eyes with the sleeves of her blazer. Her eyes were rimmed red, her nose running, and **still she cried.**

Yui could only stand there, watching her with ill-disguised disgust.

_So pathetic._

_Why should __**you **__cry? You don't have any right! Ui was __**NOT. YOUR. SISTER.**__ You don't understand how much it hurt me- how much it __**still**__ hurts me, and you want to make fun of my sadness by __**CRYING**__ over something you __**DON'T UNDERSTAND?**_

_You don't have any right to be happy!_

_You don't have any right to be sad!_

_You don't have any right to stand in front of me and cry and pretend you're sorry but you're __**NOT **__because if you were __**REALLY, TRULY**__ sorry Ui would be alive and __**YOU**__ would be dead because you cared enough to __**SAVE HER **__and I would still be happy! My life would still be how it used to be!_

_**IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.**_

"Y-yui-senpai, I'm so sorry," Jun wailed (_shut up._)

"I-I would have saved her, I really… I swear, I-I would, I-I… I…" Jun's voice trailed off. Her words had become indistinguishable because of her loud sobs (_shut up._)

"I-I…" Hic. "I feel so bad! I-I can't sleep at night, o-or eat, and I feel so guilty, I… Yui-senpai…" (_Don't call me that __**like we're friends.**__ Don't call my name like I __**care about you**_).

"Y-yui-senpai, I'm sorry! I know how you feel!"

Yui's eyes widened.

"J-jun-chan…"

Moving silently with long strides, Yui made her way towards the crying Jun. Observed her with something akin to pity. Gently, Yui reached out, and placed two fingers under Jun's chin. With the care one would use when handling a precious ornament, she slowly raised Jun's head, so her red-rimed eyes stared into Yui's mocha ones.

At this tender motion, Jun's breath seemed to cut out all together.

She could only blink at Yui with wide doe eyes. They were glassy with unshed tears. Her mouth open in a small 'o'.

"Yui-senpai?"

There was pause.

Silence.

"Jun-chan…" Yui smiled softly. Her voice cracked when she spoke. "I-if Ui-chan was here, I'm sure she would forgive you. I can't speak for her, because I'm _not_ her… But… Heh…" Yui tilted her head to the side. "I think I knew her better than anyone. A-and she was kind. And forgiving. Maybe a little foolish- but she would _always_ see the best in people, and she wasn't stupid. She wouldn't have befriended you if you were a bad person. And she would hate to see you feeling so guilty over a simple accident. She would want you to be happy. Ui-chan would be distraught to know how much you blame yourself- and if _I _was Ui-chan, I would tell you it wasn't your fault. I forgive you."

At this, Jun's eyes widened. Her breath caught in her chest. She had ceased crying, though her eyes still shone, her fingers still trembled, and her head still hung.

It was too heavy for her body. She couldn't lift it.

Her feelings were too heavy for her heart.

Slowly, tentatively, she spoke. "R-really?"

Yui nodded. "Really. However…"

A dark shadow crossed her face.

Her fingers tightened round Jun's neck.

"_**I am not Ui.**_"

And then she slapped Jun across the face.

"You don't know how I feel!" Yui shouted, her mouth contorting with rage, strings of spit snapping as she spoke- shouted- _**screamed**_. "You don't know SHIT, Jun! How could you? HOW DARE YOU CRY LIKE THAT TO ME? I don't give a fuck how you feel! You didn't lose **YOUR** sister! You DON'T understand!"

Yui reached forwards. She grabbed hold of Jun's hair- great handfuls, hard enough to pull clumps from the scalp, hard enough to draw blood. Her nails were scrabbling at Jun's scalp like something sickening and demented and **mad** (Ui usually cut her nails for her. Sometimes she painted them. Chips and flakes of orange polish remained from days ago- more like years. A whole _lifetime. _A bitter memory).

There was screaming- Yui wasn't sure from who, maybe both, maybe neither, maybe it was in her head (so why did her throat hurt so much?)- and Jun struggled, thrashed, but Yui snapped out her hand and slapped her again and again and again and there were claws, gouging, pushing, scrabbling- scratching- and Yui's free hand was pulling at more hair, tugging one of her stupid pigtails loose, taking more clumps of hair and blood and scalp and skin with it.

Somehow Yui managed to shove Jun down onto the floor- how did that happen? Time was playing tricks, was this really _her _doing this? How odd- and her fists were at Jun's throat, her fingers pressing into yielding flesh.

Her trachea bent and snapped like a straw.

He skin was so pale.

Her eyes were so dead.

What a _joke._

"S-senpai!" Jun tried to choke- tried to roll out from underneath her- but Yui's hands and fingers were there again, at her throat, pulling her hair, smashing into her face and raking and tearing and hurting.

Blood.

Yui's hands were spattered, peppered, not quite _bathed_, with crimson. Jun's blazer had been ripped open (when? And _how_?). A button had popped off- Yui saw it glinting on the floor, rolling under the cabinet that stored Mugi's tea things.

Jun's school shirt was ripped, too- some of the buttons had opened, exposing weak, unprotected flesh.

A paper-thin covering for weak, unprotected organs.

Sanguine spread across Jun's shirt and skin like an ink blot on a piece of paper; it was expanding, getting bigger, and Yui could only watch in fascination.

Her fingers were getting redder and redder.

Painting the roses red indeed.

Ui used to love those books.

**Ui is dead.**

Jun killed her sister.

Jun needed to be punished.

"I-I didn't mean to, I…" Jun was crying through her pain, hands closing round Yui's arms, trying to pull her off.

Yui was too strong.

Yui's hands were everywhere, her fingers long and dextrous from guitar playing, like multiple spiders. They were moving without input from her brain; with no common sense nor rhyme nor reason- only one single purpose.

To hurt.

She was pulling out Jun's other pigtail with such force the smaller girl wept and gave a pained gasp. When Yui drew her hand away her fist was clenched about strands of hair and scalp and blood.

_Ui's remains smeared on the road._

_Jun's remains smeared on the floor._

_Que sera sera._

_An eye for an eye._

_Same thing, same thing- it's all the same thing._

_Everybody has to die at some point._

_It just shouldn't have been Ui…_

_Ngh…_

Yui wasn't sure when, exactly, but she began to laugh a little- and, even so, despite her supposed 'happiness' (she'd done what she wanted to do) her cheeks were damp and her shoulders were shaking and she was crying too, wiping tears from her eyes with the back of her sleeve and smearing blood on her cheeks. Her tears became diluted pink, like some awful teenage poem filled with angst, and Yui began to giggle a little more at this knowledge.

She wanted everything to be the same.

So she killed Jun.

The light music club room had been a safe haven.

So she painted the only safe place- the only pure, clean place- with Jun's filthy blood and broken body.

Yui wasn't exactly sure when she became aware Jun was dead- _maybe when she stopped breathing?_- but she wasn't even aware of hitting her that hard, and she hadn't been choking her too long, had she?

Then again, everything kept jumping around- time wouldn't flow in the correct order, and nothing was what it appeared. Yui couldn't be sure how long she had been there- and she wasn't sure if it really mattered.

It was the end result that mattered, not the moments leading up to it.

It didn't matter if Yui had her fingers round Jun's neck for a few seconds or a few minutes- or, indeed, a few hours- because she still dead and time wasn't going to change that.

Jun's trachea had given out too easily. It was almost as if she hadn't _wanted_ to live; as if she'd just given up.

So Yui didn't feel that bad about killing her, really.

She hadn't even tried.

Maybe she thought she deserved it; maybe she knew, deep down, she had been the once responsible. Or she could have harboured some guilt over the issue- it was possible.

Maybe that was why she didn't struggle as much.

Well, that was something both Jun and Yui could agree with.

Haha.

_Hahahahaha._

Yui sat atop of her enemy's sprawled body (her neck looked bent, her eyes were dead- my God, I think she is dead! There's a corpse in our club room, Azu-nyan! I don't know how it got there! What a mystery, guys!) with blood on her hands and a smile on her face, and she laughed and laughed and laughed.

The floor was red, too.

Her beloved Gitah lay some feet away, sprawled on the floor like Jun's body (**carcass**) and when did Gitah get there, anyway? When had she picked that up?

Who knew.

Who cared.

Yui didn't.

It looked like somebody had hit Jun with something, because asphyxiating somebody didn't put such lage dents in them; seriously, half of her head and been smashed in, like a watermelon, and how on earth had she not noticed that?

Maybe she needed glasses.

Maybe glasses would add to her charm.

Some people liked them.

Yui remembered- she remembered lots of things. She couldn't stop thinking- when she'd gone to the beach with Ui a few years ago. They'd put on blindfolds and tried to hit the watermelon, and Jun's head looked exactly like that; Yui hadn't hit the fruit dead-centre, and only half of it collapsed, caved in on itself, the red innards and seeds spilling across the sand, and Yui remembered thinking '_that was fun, but now I get less watermelon!_'

It hadn't mattered though, because Ui had congratulated her and gone '_whoa! You're so strong, onee-chan. I could never do something like that. You're so cool_!'

Yui looked down at the mangled, dead Jun-chan with her split melon head leaking melon-and-brain innards onto the wooden floor, and she felt something akin to pride and accomplishment swell in her chest. She may as well have beaten a final level boss; a small smile tugged at her lips.

_Your onee-chan did this, Ui._

_She did it for you._

_She did it because she loves you._

Jun stared at Yui with empty eyes (well… eye; Yui didn't know where the other one had gone. Or maybe it had been smashed? Could eyes do that? What if it was still in-tact and staring and had rolled under the sofa or some such thing? What if Mio-chan found it later? Yui would have to clean that up; Mio-chan was terrified over the simplest of things; it was kind of adorable).

Tears were pooled in Jun's remaining eye. The silvery tear tracks down her ghostly cheeks shone under the lights of the club room, like snail trails.

Jun's lips were open in a silent scream, an 'o', a plea for help, an SOS.

_Sorry, Jun-chan, but I don't think anybody's going to hear you. And I don't think anybody would _want _to save your soul- I doubt you deserve it. And I'm not even a mean person; I'm just speaking the truth._

_You killed Ui-chan._

_You don't deserve any redemption._

_It was only logical I killed you- it was only right._

_Swings and roundabouts._

_What goes around comes around._

_You reap what you sow._

_And you always, __**always**__, get what's coming to you._

Watermelon-guts and mushy fluids that seemed too thick to be real liquid were spewed across the floor, over her Gitah, over her hands, bits of skull and bone or whatever poking through a ravaged split eggshell wound in the cranium- or maybe that was her imagination (_I _did this? No way… I-I couldn't have done… Right?)

Yui couldn't have hit Jun that hard.

_Unthinkable._

Jun was lying.

She **had **lied about everything else.

Jun looked like something from a butcher's shop; just meat, fluids oozing from her cracked head onto the floor like water from a fountain.

Well.

Even if she _did _look like nothing more than meat (_your feelings don't matter- your __existence__ doesn't matter), _Yui wasn't going to eat Jun.

That would just be insane.

* * *

**a.n: **This is a cheerful story :3


	8. o7: Sleepwalk

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter Seven

'Sleepwalk'

* * *

Yui sat there atop a fleshy mound of split watermelon and Christmas turkey leftovers, her eyes wide, yet unseeing.

Staring down at Jun.

Or at least, the remains of Jun.

It was hard to believe the _thing _lying on the floor oozing blood had ever been alive to begin with; it was impossible to think, just a few minutes ago, she had been alive and breathing (and screaming at Yui to stop).

It was even more impossible to think, a few days ago, she had been bright and energetic and smiling and _happy._

Now Jun would never be happy again because she was _dead_. Yui had killed her- and even though she knew it was true, it just didn't sound right- the sentence… didn't work. How could she, _Hirasawa Yui_, have ever done anything so terrible? But she had.

Jun's blood spattered in criss-crossing spider web patterns on the floor was proof enough of that. You certainly didn't need to a brain surgeon or rocket scientist to deduce no human being could survive with such a large empty _space_ where their skull used to be; instead of half her head, she had an empty hollow.

People oftentimes called Yui stupid, but she wasn't _that_ stupid.

She could tell a dead person apart from a living one, sure… but that didn't mean she had to _believe_ Jun was dead. The eyes could play tricks, the senses could deceive, and denial really was a wonderful thing. It made Bad Things- _dead Jun_- so much easier to deal with, because if she kept pretending it wasn't there then maybe- poof!- it wouldn't be anymore…?

_Why can't the world work like that? Then everybody would be happy._

_I only wanted to be happy…_

The world was a horrible place filled with bad people, but _Yui_ wasn't a bad person. She would never hurt Jun- she'd never wanted to hurt anyone before. Logical conclusion: this never happened.

Jun was just faking it.

_Could _you fake an injury like that? Yui wasn't too sure on the mechanics of such things (how hard _did_ you need to hit to crack open somebody's head, anyway? Technically, she _should _have been in the best position to know, but she couldn't remember- most of the details of Jun's 'death' were a dark blur- or maybe a red haze. It seemed like a dream, nightmare, fantasy; whatever, but certainly it couldn't have been _reality_).

Well, Yui reasoned, why couldn't you fake a head injury like that? They did it in the movies all the time.

Of course, those actors were never dead. They were just pretending.

This situation was too bizarre- too unreal. It _couldn't _be real. If she really had murdered Jun, and this was not a delusion or a dreamscape (why would she _want_ to dream about this? The blood painting her fingers was too real- the shivers wracking her body were too painful), then why did she feel so… so…

_Empty?_

It felt like somebody had scooped out her insides.

Put them in a blender.

Set it to 'liquidise'.

There was nothing left.

Nothing.

But Yui wasn't the one who looked like she'd fared badly against a blender. That was Jun, with the gaping hole in her head and the blood and- oh God- the _smell._

You couldn't fake _that_, could you?

So Jun was dead.

That was logical conclusion number two (except where was the logic behind that?)

Logical conclusion number three: Yui was happy. Ecstatically happy. That was why she couldn't stop smiling, right? Jun had killed her baby sister. Hadn't she got what she deserved?

But, as Yui looked at poor, pathetic Jun, she didn't feel even a twinge of hope or happiness. The elation from earlier had vanished once she realised the gravity of what she had done; and as she stared at Jun's frozen, half-formed scream, she felt her own mouth twitch into a similar shape. Jun would smile or laugh again- she would only exist as this horrible carcass, this shell, just like Ui.

Yui remembered crying herself to sleep over the knowledge her sister was never going to come back; what would Jun's friends and family say when they heard what had happened?

Yui never wanted to hurt other people.

She hadn't even wanted to hurt Jun; not _really _(at least, she didn't think she had). She had only been thinking of herself, and her sister, and she only wanted to be happy again, and it seemed so horribly unfair Ui should die whilst Jun was alive. Yui had never wanted to hurt anyone- she just wanted her old life back, her _sister_ back.

Was that _too_ terrible?

_I suppose, when you're backed into a corner, and you're sad and lonely and desperate, even the nicest of people will do the most horrible things…_

And besides, it wasn't _enough._

It wasn't…

It wouldn't bring Ui back.

It wouldn't make everything right again.

It would make _nothing _right again.

Slowly, the adrenalin began to filter out of Yui's bloodstream. She sat there, breathing heavily, looking down at what she had reduced Jun to. She wasn't even a human being anymore; she was just a slab of meat. Meat that wasn't quite cold, but was certainly dead.

_Jun._

Her sister's friend.

Yui's eyes widened.

_What was I doing? T-this isn't like me! This isn't how I usually act! Jun didn't deserve this! Nobody would! I… I…_

_Oh God…_

Yui desperately wished she hadn't filched that food out of Mio's bento box. Was this her punishment for taking half her friend's lunch without permission, without even asking? If that was the case, she'd never steal food again! She'd become a better person! She'd even practise guitar more and stop goofing off, if only this horrible feeling would **stop.**

Her stomach seemed to squish together, as though compressed by invisible hands.

It felt like all the air was being forced out of her body.

Oh, if _only_ it was her air that exited her body.

Her previous meal hit the back of her throat. Yui gagged instantly (it tasted horrible- and some small voice in the back of her head was saying 'y_ou're getting what you deserve…_')

She gagged even more when she saw her previous meal dribbling onto the floor, a putrid light yellow- a sticky non-liquid mixing with Jun's blood, coating the floor.

Some of it went red.

Most of it didn't.

The smell- blood mixed with vomit mixed with _death _(but Jun hadn't been dead long enough to _literally_ smell; it was all in her head, all in her mind)- hit Yui's nostrils again and again in relentless waves.

Yui retched.

And retched again.

And again.

Her throat was raw and burning and tasted of vomit- where was Mugi-chan with her tea to take away the horrible taste of burning sick and bitter guilt when she needed it? But the thought of tea (which, invariably, led to cakes) only brought more sickness to Yui's stomach.

Luckily, there was nothing left in her stomach to throw up.

Even so, her stupid body convulsed, her stomach clenched and her insides lurched, as if to mock her.

Her senses spun.

_You brought it upon yourself._

She couldn't move. She could only sit there, staring down at the bloody, vomit-splattered, split watermelon head of the screaming Jun ("_S-senpai!_")

And, somehow, despite her pain and worry and fear and hated, Yui found herself thinking, quite calmly, _I'm going to have to clean this up. Oh man, I _hate _tidying up… Sigh. If Ui-chan was here she'd do it for me; she always enjoyed things like that._

_Mio-chan would scold me if she knew what I mess I made._

_At least Ricchan understands- I've seen her bedroom, it's __way__ messier than mine. Although that might be because Ui always kept mine so neat and tidy…_

And Yui felt a cry tear itself out of her throat at these horrible, normal thoughts, because how on earth was she thinking about _that_ when Jun was dead? There were more pressing things to think about- she couldn't retreat into her fantasy world _now._

She couldn't lie to herself and pretend nothing was wrong.

Everything was wrong.

Her heart wouldn't stop thumping- loud, it was too loud- and she could hear the blood rushing through her head, feel the blood dripping on her fingertips, some running down her cheek (how did it get _there_?) and drying on her clothes, her skin- far too much blood, too much lost to be healthy. It was matted in Jun's hair, oozing from her scalp, and turning thick and black and ugly- so ugly, vile, _disgusting_.

_Try to pretend it isn't real._

_Try to pretend you didn't do it._

_But it'd be a __lie_.

And somehow, Yui wasn't too sure _how_ (it simply _was_), her sister was kneeling before her, her eyes glistening with a film of unshed tears, like a girl ready to confess her love in a romantic drama. Her skin was chalky, too pale, and her hair was dishevelled; not tied back as usual. There were scars and ugly welts running along her exposed arms and legs, and her stomach had burst open, creating a wet cave of darkness and exposed organs and blood- blood, blood, there was _so much of it _and Yui thought she should clean it up (what if the others saw?)

Ui looked as though she'd come off badly in a fight against a shark, and there was a ghostly aura about her collapsed body, but it was still, unmistakably, Ui.

Her beloved baby sister.

The one person she would die for.

"_Onee-chan…" _Ui whispered. It was her voice, it was, but… her lips weren't moving. The voice was being projected inside Yui's head.

Yui knew the apparition was inside her mind _really._ If she blinked the deceptive image would flicker, distort- implode into dust particles and be gone forever. But she didn't want that. Not yet.

"_Onee-chan, how could you do that? H-how could you? I-it wasn't Jun-chan's fault… She's my __friend__. A-and you…"_

Ui's eyes narrowed.

She looked angry. Yui had never seen her sister angry before- not like that- but, she reasoned, this _wasn't _her sister. It was herself. 'Ui' was no more real than the monsters Ritsu spoke of to scare Mio. She had no more substance than a single particle of air.

Even so, her words stung.

"_Onee-chan. I _hate_ you."_

Yui's eyes widened. Her pupils constricted, until they became little more than black pin-pricks of ink floating in a bowl of milk.

It felt like she was seeing clearly for the first time since her sister's death.

Everything was suddenly, horrifyingly clear.

There was blood everywhere- _why does Jun have to bleed so much? I didn't even hit her __**that**__ hard- I didn't- I-I don't think I did, I don't remember… W-why is she being so __selfish?__ Why does she have to __**leak**__ everywhere? Why does she have to make this more difficult for me?_

Azusa couldn't see this- she absolutely couldn't,

What would happen then?

What if the others found out?

_Oh God…_

It was only logical she did this to Jun, right? They would understand, wouldn't they?

_She killed my sister._

_I needed to punish her._

_An eye for an eye, right? A tooth for a tooth, yes? Isn't that what they say? Isn't that traditional?_

_It all makes sense._

_It makes perfect sense._

But the more Yui thought about it, the more she realised- _no_, they wouldn't understand. She barely even understood it herself. Once the aura of madness had dispersed and she was left with a bloodied body and a flickering image of a dead girl, she suddenly found her actions had been very irrational and inexplicable indeed. She didn't know what she had done, or why she had done it, or how in the world she could have possibly even considered it. This wasn't a _solution_- it could never have been a solution- and the false image of Ui with the improbable wounds had shown her that.

Ui would have hated her for it.

They would _all_ hate her for it.

She was beginning to hate herself.

"Hey, Jun~" said Yui softly, tracing Jun's remaining cheek with one finger. Her nails- still flecked with left over nail polish and blood and vomit- caught on the papery flesh.

Yui hoped she sounded compassionate- kind.

Then she realised it didn't really matter.

It wasn't like Jun could hear her.

"Jun-chan, you can't tell anybody about this, okay? The others wouldn't understand. They'd hate me. Azu-nyan would hate me. A-and I couldn't live with myself if that happened… T-then I'd be all alone. A-and I can't be alone… I-I've never been alone in my life, and I'm _scared_, and… A-and I'm sorry I hurt you… I-I was scared, too." She squeezed her eyes shut. Shook her head. "Oh my God…"

But, despite Yui's worries, Jun didn't reply. She seemed beyond forming human speech at the moment.

Well, that was understandable.

With the air of one lost in a nightmare, trying to assure themselves this wasn't real- _it's all in my head. When can I wake up and go eat breakfast with Ui-chan?- _Yui's fingers took on a life of their own. Without her knowledge, without any real thought or reason, they began to trail across the cold flesh of Jun's face- except, _no_, it wasn't cold. She'd only died a few moments ago; it was still warm. She might have been sleeping.

Apart from the ruinous cavity of her skull- the giant hole smashed open by her Gitah.

Yui hadn't even realised she had the strength to inflict such wounds. But the few times she'd played baseball in PE she'd been pretty good at it; she nearly always managed to hit the ball, as opposed to Mio, who flinched when it came flying at it and invariably tried to duck out of the way.

Yui could remember telling Mio she shouldn't be afraid- "it won't hurt you"- and Mio had folded her arms and said, trying to sound aloof despite her flushed cheeks, "G-getting hit in the face with anything at such force can be very dangerous! I-I could really hurt myself… S-stop laughing, Ritsu!"

Well, Mio had been right.

Mio was right about most things.

Getting hit in the face by an object moving at high speeds really _could_ hurt people; and hurt them badly, too, if the gloopy watermelon-and-vomit mixture spewed across the floor, glistening obscenely under the cheery lighting of the club room, was any indication.

Maybe, Yui thought, if I was as bad at sports as Mio, I wouldn't even have left a mark on her. Yui couldn't imagine Mio _ever_ hurting anyone- with the exception of Ritsu, and that was a rather different thing.

Unwittingly, Yui found herself stabbing her fingers into the hollow of Jun's split head in frustration, fear, distress. It made a squelching noise, and Yui jumped. She withdrew her fingers guiltily and drew them to her eyes (what had she done?)

They were smeared red.

Like paint.

Yui felt her stomach heave again.

But, perhaps even more worryingly, she found a small, wan smile spread across her lips.

_It'll be fun trying to pretend __this__ never happened; yeah, sounds like a great time. How will you explain it to Azu-nyan? To the others? 'I'm sorry, Jun slipped- I didn't do anything, I swear! Yeah, her head just split open like that when she hit the floor. It was a real sight. You should've been there.'_

_...Somehow, I think not._

_But I can't just __leave__ Jun here like this._

_I have to do something._

_And… haha…_

_I screwed things up pretty bad. I don't think anything I do can rectify this._

There was something so unreal about this situation, it couldn't possibly have happened.

What happened next didn't much matter.

She was still waiting to wake up.

* * *

Yui had changed out of her school uniform. It was too bloody; covered in a lovely mixture of dried black blood and vomit. Wearing it had made her skin prickle in disgust, crawling as though it were infested with worms. She was thankful for Sawa-chan's love of cosplay, which gave her a whole host of other outfits to wear.

The airheaded brunette had sighed a little as she checked through Sawa-chan's extensive collection of outfits. Her eyes had widened to such proportions they nearly fell out of their sockets at some of the skimpier cosplays. Some of those skirts were strips of material; nothing more.

"Geez. There are some pretty messed up people in the world. I wonder why I never noticed it before," Yui said softly to herself.

She wasn't sure why she talking aloud. Mainly, she supposed, for comfort. That way, she could pretend she wasn't the only person in the room (by this point Jun didn't count as a 'person').

Honestly, Yui allowed her mind to wander, how could a woman like Sawako ever have become a teacher? Her interests were so… weird and creepy. If she'd have been a guy, there was no way she'd have ever got her job.

Well- it was just another victory for gender discrimination.

How had she not noticed these things before? Had she truly been so blind, lost in her own little fantasy world, that she couldn't see in the flaws in other people- the flaws with reality in general?

Of _course_ there was something weird about a middle-aged woman who forced high school girls into frilly dresses and cat ears.

Maybe everybody in the world was that messed up.

Maybe everybody did things like this; things they hated, were ashamed of, knew they'd be looked down for, but did it all the same because they were horrible people deep down about couldn't help themselves.

Did that excuse what she did?

Of course not.

But it made her feel slightly better.

In this society, nobody had the right to judge her. Not even the apparition of Ui that sat by Jun's corpse, watching her actions like a portrait in a haunted house with follow-me eyes. They were all as filthy as each other.

But, even so, Yui didn't want her friends to hate her. She didn't care if they had imperfect pasts, or had done bad things, or could be irritating occasionally; they were still her friends, and she would love them regardless.

The real question was, would they feel the same way towards her?

_Of course not, Yui, you space cadet, _she chastised herself silently. _They'll hate you. Or maybe not; but they'll certainly treat you _differently- _who wouldn't? To them, you've always been bright, cheerful, happy-go-lucky Yui who eats cake and talks about inconsequential things. They'll see you as a completely different person after _this.

_Who knows? Maybe you are a completely different person now._

_They'll ostacrise you. Even if they don't mean to, they __will__- and they probably should, because there's something not quite right in your brain, Yui. You're not… You didn't react like a __normal person__._

_They'll leave you._

_Ui's left you, and now Mio and Ritsu and Mugi and Azusa will leave you, too- and your parents, well, they were hardly ever around anyway._

_You'll be all alone._

Yui flinched.

_I'd rather __**die**__ than be alone._

_I'd rather die before I saw everyone I know and love turn against me…_

_B-but…_

With a heavy heart weighed down with misery, Yui zipped herself in Sawako's most modest maid dress, which covered the most flesh- even though the skirt was a tad short. Yui had always had an affinity for those outfits; they reminded her of happier times…

Times when there had not been corpses in the light music room.

Back in those days the only things to occupy their sanctuary were five girls, laughing and chatting and drinking tea- and occasionally, if Azusa or Mio were persuasive enough, actually practising (and being quite good at it, too, considering the amount of time they spent goofing off).

But that would all change now.

Once Yui had zipped herself into her new outfit, which smelt nice and clean and was devoid of blood (always a plus), she folded her old uniform into a messy bundle and shoved it into her schoolbag.

What to do with Jun's remains were, however, a more pressing problem. Yui thought about hiding them in the cabinet where Mugi stored the tea things, but the mere notion made her feel even more nauseous. She didn't like the idea of eating off plates and drinking from cups which had been so close to a dead body (_why? You'll never sit in here drinking tea and eating cakes again…)_ Besides, Jun wouldn't have fit, and she didn't have anything sharp enough to cut her up.

In the end, this was all pointless. Yui knew she'd be found out; she could hardly conceal Jun's remains from the world.

She wondered why she was even bothering.

_Because you're still clinging onto the hope you can salvage this situation, even though you know, deep down, it's hopeless. Give up, cut your losses; it'll hurt all the more if you build up your hopes, only to have them come crashing down._

They were wise words. But Yui couldn't bring herself to follow them.

After scouring the entirety of the light music club room, Yui came to the conclusion there were no safe places to hide a body. Dragging Jun out into the corridor was out of the question- what if people saw? (_They're going to see anyway, idiot.)_

So, with a sigh, Yui decided to improvise.

She would hide her under the table. Mugi had a few nice, patterned tablecloths to place over the table that almost brushed the floor. Then Yui would be able to dispose of the body later, when everybody had gone home.

With a slight shudder, Yui grabbed hold of Jun's wrists. She did it very carefully; she didn't want to get anymore blood on her clean clothes. Yui realised, just a little too late, that she should have moved Jun before she changed; but, she reasoned, it didn't really matter. She could always wear one of Sawako's other inappropriate outfits if she truly had to; the maid outfit was special, though.

_I was wearing this when I first performed in front of Azu-nyan, wasn't I? This is what she first saw me in…_

_I wonder if she thought, as she watched me play, that one day I'd be wearing this outfit whilst dragging the body of one of her friends under a table._

…_I doubt it._

_Unless Azusa's psychic._

Somehow, these stupid, useless thoughts were a comfort to Yui. They made her feel slightly more grounded in the happy world she lived in up until a week ago- and they stopped her over-thinking her fruitless actions too much.

They stopped her thinking about the corpse.

When she concentrated her mind on Azusa, everything felt calmer.

More normal.

With an air of melancholy, and just a little nostalgia, Yui played that sickeningly upbeat song she'd composed herself a few months ago in her head; _Oh My Gitah! _Yui could remember playing for that for her sister, and Ui had clapped and smiled and said 'wow! My onee-chan's so talented.'

And they had both laughed.

Now, as Yui grabbed hold of bloody arms and legs, tried to pull Jun's lifeless corpse under the table, she was far from laughing. The song she had worked so hard on composing was jarring; a horrible memory of happier times.

The phantom apparition of Ui, quivering like a haze of gas, watched on with her dead eyes; an expression that clearly said _you're crazy._

Maybe so.

That Ui was all inside Yui's head, anyway.

* * *

Finally, after much heaving and manoeuvring of cold, lifeless limbs, Yui finally managed to deposit the ugly carcass under the table. Out of sight, out of mind? But Yui knew life didn't really work that way; Ui had been dead for almost a week, but she was as real in her head as she ever had been when she alive.

Yui sighed.

Even though the task she had completed was grisly, she still felt a vague sense of satisfaction. It didn't feel real, even though she could feel the blood on her fingers and the crushing guilt in her chest.

She turned to survey the rest of the room. The floor was spattered with red.

_Something else to clean up, huh…_

Clean up before Azusa noticed- not that Yui held any real hopes Azusa wouldn't notice. She was rather more perceptive than that.

_Even when it comes to important things like this, I don't think I could ever fool her. Or Mio-chan. Or even Mugi. Maybe Ritsu… I'm not sure. Am I underestimating her intelligence? Does that make me a bad friend?_

_They'll ask questions._

_Why do people always ask questions?_

_Why does the world have to be so complicated? Why can't things just __**be**__- why should I have to explain them? How can I explain feelings I don't even understand?_

Everybody in the world did bad things from time to time. They were all crazy.

Yui did bad things. Did that mean she was just like everybody else? Did the realisation and confirmation of those facts make her insane? Or did make her a normal human being?

Were _all _human beings insane?

That was a rather depressing view of the universe.

It was as Yui was mopping up the mixed blood and vomit from the floor that she heard the tell-tale creak of the door opening (_I thought I locked it, I thought…_ And then she remembered the spare key, under the doormat- or was it under the flowerpot? She wasn't sure, but she knew the other club members would have been.

_I'm so carless, even in situations like this…)_

But Yui didn't have long to ponder her own weaknesses, because at that moment a voice was calling out her, and Yui knew that voice- she would have recognised it anywhere.

"Y-yui-senpai?"

It was Azusa.

And she hadn't finished cleaning up the floor. Bits of Jun were still stuck to the floorboards that were normally kept so squeaky-clean and shiny, and the water in the bucket was light pink; the end of the mop had fared no better.

Yui looked down at her hands with wide eyes and quivering fingers.

Her hands were bright red.

* * *

**a.n: **I will resist making obvious pun to last line XD  
I think the next chapter is the last one :3 Oh, and this chapter was originally longer, but I cut a few pages shorter, because being stuck in Yui's head for too long probably gets a little tiring to read. It's still very much so just Yui's thoughts, though.


	9. o8: Dream Eating Girl on the Sand

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Chapter Eight

'Dream Eating Girl on the Sand'

* * *

Yui jerked her head upwards, puppet-like.

She was a doll- nothing but a pawn- and she didn't know who was pulling her strings. It wasn't her anymore. She would never have done that to Jun- not if she was in her right mind (but the blood on her hands said otherwise- it said, loud and clear, _you did this. __You__._

_You can't blame anybody else now._)

Azusa stood at the threshold of the door. She wasn't so very far away- Yui could make out every detail of her immaculate uniform, from the sharp collar of her neatly pressed shirt to the ironed folds of her pleated skirt- but Yui felt thousands of miles away from her.

The twin-tailed underclassman had a look of innocence about her face, and purity. Some worry, too, and confusion; she hovered at the entrance of the club room like a hummingbird paused mid-flight, unsure whether to stay or go.

Yui wished she would leave.

She didn't deserve to be friends with somebody like Azusa, who had only ever been good and kind to her. She didn't want to hurt her, too; she didn't want to hurt anybody else.

Yui felt like running out of her own skin. She wanted to claw at it, to gouge and tear and _escape _this painful existence she'd forced herself into… She wanted to escape the memory of what she had done to Jun.

Well…

Jun was only _one _person.

She wasn't important or influential. She was merely a high school girl- nothing extra-ordinary about her. Her murder was an isolated incident; Yui doubted it would even be spared a five minute segment on the local news channel. Even then, not everybody would watch it. The majority of people who _would_ watch it wouldn't care.

The world would continue to spin.

Days would continue to dissolve into nights.

People would still do bad things.

And nothing would change.

But that didn't mean Jun's existence had less significance than anybody else's. She had still been a human being; she still had _feelings _and hopes and dreams. She still had friends. A family. People who cared about her. And that was enough.

That _made _her matter.

In the grand scheme of things, everyone was expendable. Anyone could die at any time, for any reason- even for no reason at all.

Mainly for no reason at all.

And it wouldn't make any difference.

But if you picked out any singular human being, you would find they weren't truly alone. They would have friends, or family, or maybe just people who had seen them passing by in the street and paused for a second to wonder about their lives; but if you dug around a little, you'd find _every _person mattered.

Not one life was worthless.

And murdering just _one_ person would have a knock-on effect for all those other people, like a collapsing card tower or a line of dominoes. If one tumbled over the rest would follow.

This chain reaction had started with Ui. It rippled outwards, getting bigger and bigger, until it swallowed Yui and Jun- and now it was going to claim Jun's parents, and Azusa, and- eventually- the rest of the light music club. Maybe the rest of the school.

Azusa would be hurt when she saw Jun.

Or, at least, the _remains_ of Jun. The remains of her friend.

Yui didn't want Azusa to stay. She'd ask questions; find Jun; _be hurt_. And what if that second facet of Yui's personality- the Yui comprised of all those negative emotions she'd buried for the entirety of her too-perfect life- resurfaced in a bout of fear and guilt and rage? What if she hurt _Azusa_ next?

That thought was too horrible to even contemplate.

But Yui didn't want Azusa to leave, either. It was selfish- horribly selfish- but the thought of being alone, being unable to rely on _anyone_ for help, was almost soul-crushing.

Yui had never been alone before.

(_But you deserve to be. You brought this upon yourself._

_How dare you act so self-pitying?_

_How dare you be so selfish?)_

The mere thought was almost enough to reduce her to tears.

Yui knew, whatever happened now, she'd end up alone. No matter if Azusa stayed or left, eventually she would find Jun. That was guaranteed. And then Azusa would hate her.

That was almost guaranteed, too.

"Y-yui-senpai…" Azusa's voice was uneasy. Obviously, she knew something was amiss. Yui could see it in her face. Hear it in the awkward, stilted way she spoke.

Yui knew she couldn't hide what had happened from Azusa. She was far too sharp. If Yui had ever truly believed she wouldn't be discovered, then she had been a fool- Nodoka had been right to scold her so many times in the past, because Yui had just realised she really_ was_ unbelievably stupid.

Azusa cleared her throat. The small sound made Yui's heartbeat triple in speed.

"Yui-senpai… Why are you wearing that?" Azusa asked. "Where's your uniform? And where's Jun-chan…? Wasn't she here with you?"

Yui's heart sank. She could no longer believe it was even in her chest at all; the space in her ribcage felt hollow.

Numb.

Azusa was asking questions.

Azusa was going to find out.

Yui knew she would. She wasn't surprised; not really. Instead, she felt a resigned wave of grief sweep through her. She had expected it beforehand, so it shouldn't have _hurt_.

It still did, though.

_Oh… Azu-nyan…_

_In this situation, curiosity won't just kill you._

_It will __**slaughter **__you._

Azusa entered the room slowly, with the air of one who expected to be set upon by invisible enemies at any given moment. Yui was sure Azusa had never been so cautious around her before- _she knows. She has to know._

Or maybe Yui was just being paranoid.

She just didn't know how to judge the situation anymore.

"Yui-senpai, where's Jun?" Azusa repeated. To Yui's ears, her words sounded accusatory- even though, in reality, there were soft. Worried.

Yui subconsciously found herself wrapping her arms round her torso, as though trying to hold herself together. It was a pose she had adopted numerous times in the past week. It was an attempt to comfort herself.

An attempt to convince herself somebody cared.

Yui could only remember one or two times in the past when she had been truly sad (she couldn't remember the exact reasons for her melancholy, though; doubtless, they had been trivial).

In both events Ui had sighed and said "my onee-chan doesn't look right when she's not smiling." And then she had pulled Yui close, and two had cuddled- and it had instantly brought that smile back to Yui's lips because somebody _did_ care.

She had Ui.

_But not anymore._

A small, broken sob shook Yui's body. And then another. And another.

Before she knew it, she was shuddering uncontrollably, as though she had hypothermia. Her fingers dug tightly- too tightly- into her arms, so much it _hurt_, but it didn't make any difference because she knew Ui would never be there to comfort her again. The dead apparition of Ui, hovering in the background of her mind, no more real than a dream or passing thought, only mocked Yui cruelly with its zombie-like face of her sister. Phantom Ui would offer her no comfort, because Yui knew it was herself and her own thoughts and _she _knew she didn't deserve to be comforted by anyone.

She was swaying gently, lost in a haze of her own thoughts, and she was still trembling and then- she wasn't sure _how_- she felt her body being pulled into a loose hug. Arms circled round her, and they were trembling as bad as Yui was, but they didn't let go.

For one brief, mad moment, Yui smelt washing up liquid and that funny scented shampoo Ui always used. Her eyes widened.

_Ui?_

But she knew that was impossible.

The person hugging her gently, as though afraid, was only Azusa. Yui loved Azusa- but not in the same way she had loved Ui, and even though she was warm and her words of comfort were somewhat soothing, it wasn't the same.

Azusa could never replace Ui.

How could she have mixed them up?

Yui could have laughed at herself for her stupidity, had she not been crying.

…Of course, she could do both.

In the end, she wasn't sure whether it was misery or amusement that had her shoulders shaking, her whole body trembling, her lips parted and small, choked noises emitting from her mouth; but she knew it didn't really matter.

"Y-yui! Y-yui, what's wrong? I-I… W-whatever it is, it'll be alright, Yui…"

"A-azu-nyan…"

It was hard to believe Azusa could hug Yui like that when she had done something so terrible. Although, of course Azusa didn't know this. Not yet. But _Yui_ knew this, and she knew she was undeserving of those words. Of that comfort.

Of Azusa's friendship.

Azusa cared.

Azusa was _real_.

Unlike Yui's fragmented thoughts, distorted memories, confused feelings and the remnants of Jun scattered under the table, Azusa made sense. She was the same as always- the same kind, compassionate Azusa, who tried to hide her sensitive side behind cynical words and sighs. She was something from the past to cling on to. She was something that made sense.

And she was somebody who _cared_.

And, suddenly, Yui realised something.

She shouldn't have let her life end when Ui's did. They were connected, but they were not the same person- and although Ui meant so much to Yui, she was not the _only _person who mattered in her life.

What about her friends? What about Ho-kago Tea Time?

They would have supported Yui.

They would have comforted her.

It had been _stupid_ of her to think she could hide it from that- or that they would ostracise her for it. She should have told them. She should have…

But it was too late now.

Any comfort that Azusa could offer her was a lie, because it didn't change what Yui had done. Or what Azusa's reaction would be.

"Azu-nyan. Let go." Yui's voice was authoritative; more serious than usual.

"Y-yui-"

"No. I said let go."

Azusa did not respond immediately. She looked upset, confused. Hurt.

Yui instantly felt guilty. An upset Azusa looked like a kicked puppy, with wide eyes and a small frown. But it was necessary- she had to push Azusa away; she couldn't _stand _letting the underclassman hug her like that after what she'd done.

Her kindness was painful.

Guilt _hurt_.

When Azusa eventually learnt the truth, though, it would hurt her far more.

Yui reached out and shoved Azusa away from her. Owing to her distress, she used too much force than was necessary. Caught off-guard, Azusa very nearly fell backwards onto the floor (_just like Jun_); however, she was able to catch herself and regain her balance.

"Y-yui, what's wrong? W-why… I-I was just trying to help!" Azusa's confusion had turned into embarrassment; she stumbled over her words, and her cheeks were dusted with light pink again.

Yui turned her head away. She didn't want to look.

She didn't want to feel responsible.

_Always running away._

"I know you were trying to help. But I don't think-" Her words stuck in her throat. Her mouth felt horribly dry, as though it were stuffed with cotton wool. It felt like she was going to choke. "A-azu-nyan, I don't think I deserve your help."

"But why? What's wrong, Yui-senpai? W-what did I do?"

"It wasn't something you did."

Azusa stared at Yui. "So… What did _you_ do, Yui-senpai?"

Yui found she couldn't talk. She couldn't breathe.

She wanted to scream, but no sound would come out.

She wanted to run, but she was sure her legs would collapse out from underneath her if she tried.

The walls of the club room seemed to be pressing in on her; she couldn't escape, and Azusa was _still _stood there, staring at her. Judging her.

She was going to hate her.

"What happened to Jun?"

It was just one simple question. It hardly even mattered. It was funny, then, how it made Yui's heart stop with cold terror.

Yui wasn't sure when or how Azusa found Jun. Time wasn't working right; somebody had hit the fast-forward button in Yui's brain. One second Azusa had been stood next to her, and then there was a sudden jump-cut in reality; the next second Azusa was knelt on the floor, the bloodied remains of her had-been friend scattered before her in a messy, leaking heap of hacked-in head and soulless eyes.

Azusa didn't say anything. She only sat there, shocked into silence, her body trembling.

Yui wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

She had expected hate. Rage. Anger.

The lack of a response was just as disturbing.

"A-azu-nyan… I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I-I just… It was an accident… I-I… P-please don't hate me… Please don't leave me…"

It was funny. Yui thought she'd start crying when Azusa found out. But she didn't.

…Or maybe it was more like she couldn't.

Her eyes were infuriatingly dry, even though her voice kept breaking and she couldn't talk properly. It felt as though she'd been climbing up a steep hill- just like in that 5000 meter marathon. At least that had been fun, though. Those had been happier times- her and Mio and Ritsu and Mugi and Azu-nyan.

Yui couldn't catch her breath. It felt like her lungs were on fire.

She couldn't think.

She couldn't talk.

She couldn't _be._

And so it was, with a mirthless laugh, that Yui realised she couldn't really do anything at all. She was so _useless._

Yui didn't want to hear Azusa's reaction- not when she already knew what it would be. Word for word, she could hear the future replaying in her head; "_Y-yui… How could you? I hate you!"_ Somehow, Yui was sure her previous sentence was a contradiction (an oxymoron?), but she didn't care.

Nothing made sense anymore.

If Azusa hated her- if all her friends hated her- then she would die.

Her world would be over.

But surely…

Yui's eyes widened. She couldn't believe she was considering it.

And yet, she was.

She smirked to herself; a broken, twisted grin. This was just another sign she'd gone crazy. That her whole world had flipped upside-down, and there was nothing she could do to change it.

She'd already killed Jun.

Once more life wouldn't make a difference.

_I'd rather it was Azu-nyan than me._

_Its better __**she**__ dies than I do._

_Much better._

_That… makes sense, right?_

_It makes perfect sense._

_I have to kill her before she can hurt me._

_It's just self-defence._

_That's what people do, right?_

Yui walked up to Azusa slowly, careful not to make any noise. She was thankful Azusa was too distracted with grief over Jun's demise to turn around. Yui was stealthy, anyway. When she little she used to sneak up behind Ui and ambush her with surprise hugs, just to see the look on Ui's face. Ui used to jump horribly and scold her for it- although she always laughed, and was never serious when she asked Yui to let go.

Even though Yui was clumsy and inelegant with most things, she could move with a feline-like grace when she really wanted to. In fact, Yui could do most things if she _really _wanted to- even studying and cleaning up and boring things like that. She just never had the motivation. When Ui had been alive, she had done all that for her. Now Ui was dead, there was no point in _Yui _being alive anyway- so why bother?

But Yui had motivation now.

It would be _easy._

Azusa's black pigtails tumbled in waves over her shoulders, leaving her white neck exposed above the collar of her blazer. Yui remember how thin and fragile Jun's neck had felt in her hands. How easy it had been to bend and crush, just like a tin can.

It was as though Jun hadn't even tried to protect herself.

Yui narrowed her eyes, gathered her courage.

She could do this.

She _could._

She knelt down slowly, her fingers snaking out, ready to ensnare Azusa like deadly thorns-

"Y-yui-senpai…"

And then Azusa was sobbing. She didn't turn her head- she made no outward sign that she had seen what Yui was doing (perhaps she hadn't; it was difficult to tell)- but she was sobbing all the same, wrapping her arms round herself just as Yui had done before. She was trying to protect herself.

_From… me?_

Yui felt her resolve leave her, along with her energy. Her reasoning vanished; she could no longer remember what she was doing, or why. Her arms fell back to her sides. Her head lolled. It felt too heavy for her body, as though her skull was stuffed with bricks and debris.

She suddenly felt… very tired.

Confused.

And scared.

Yui couldn't hurt Azusa. She wasn't sure she could fit that many corpses under the table- and she didn't want to clean the floor up again.

Besides, what would hurting Azusa achieve? Yui didn't even need to think about the answer, unlike in most other tests.

_Nothing. It would solve nothing._

_Why would you want to murder Azusa? She never did anything bad to you. She was a good, kind person. She may have acted mature and sensible but, really, she was completely innocent. Naïve. You could see it in her eyes._

_I wonder if that innocence and naïveté is gone?_

_I wonder… if it was me who killed it._

_If I looked into her eyes now, what would I see? Maybe they'd be empty, hollow shells- just like Jun._

_Did I kill her happiness?_

_Maybe I've already killed Azusa…_

_I just to follow through with it in the physical sense. Stop her moving. It would be a mercy killing, really- a completely selfless act; "I did this for you, Azu-nyan." Not out of revenge, or fear- but to save her. To save her from the emotions I felt after Ui died. Nobody should _ever_ go through pain like that. Nobody should be introduced to the cruelties of life via death._

_If I kill her, she'll be happy._

_She won't know what happened to Jun._

_She won't know what _I_ did to Jun._

_B-but…_

_But I _can't.

_I _won't.

_I won't hurt Azu-nyan._

_Not now, not ever._

_I'd rather kill myself._

"Y-yui, w-why… W-why did this…" And, slowly, Azusa was turning to stare at her upperclassman. A mixture of fear and hurt and disbelief and a thousand other things beside pulled at her brows, lips and eyes in a bizarre manner; it looked like she was trying not to cry, but it was already too late. Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

Just like Jun when Yui killed her.

"A-azu-nyan… Azu-nyan, I'm sorry," said Yui softly.

Yui still wasn't crying. She wasn't sure if she could. Was she even human anymore? Maybe her existence had passed beyond 'humanity' when she contemplated hurting Azusa.

Or when she actually hurt Jun.

Or when Ui died.

Yes. Yes, that sounded right. If Yui had to pick a point in her life when everything changed- when _**she **_changed- she would have to say it was that moment in time; that exact moment, when the doctor in white coat who smelt of disinfectant said "_I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but we couldn't save her."_

That had been the moment when Yui realised all hope was lost. Her sister was dead, and so was she.

She couldn't understand why she hadn't gone to join Ui already.

Why had she kept her sister waiting?

"I-it was my fault," Azusa was crying- gasping. She couldn't speak properly. She was choking on her own sobs; wiping her tears away, but it was pointless, because they wouldn't stop. "I-I should have told the others, I-I… I-I thought you were okay, Y-yui-senpai… I didn't know you'd… Y-you'd… Y-you would ever…"

Yui's eyes widened.

_How could Azu-nyan blame herself?_

_It wasn't her fault, it wasn't! It was _mine_- I know it was mine. That phantom ghost-girl image of Ui in my brain knows that, and it won't let me forget it. I can't shift the blame to somebody else._

_I can't run away._

I _did this._

_It was my fault._

_But then again… I'm sure that's what everyone would expect from an idiot like me. I always ruin everything. Ha… If anybody was going to screw up like this, it _would _be me, right?_

_Stupid, stupid Hirasawa Ui._

…_But I'm going to set that right._

_I'm going to make sure I never hurt anyone through my own stupidity ever again. Then I meet up with Ui. She'll tell me "I love you, onee-chan" and we can be together forever, just like we said- we pinky promised, I can remember. "If I lie, may I swallow a thousand needles." That's what we said._

_Heh… I wonder which one of us will have to eat the needles, then?_

_I'll go and find Ui. I'll go and find Jun. I'll apologise to them both._

_And, in time, all my other friends will join me._

_We can be together forever._

_But first I have to comfort Azu-nyan._

_I can't let her give in._

_She's too precious._

_She means too much to me._

"Azusa."

"H-huh?"

And with that, Yui pulled the underclassman into a hug, just like how Azusa had embraced her before. They were knelt on the floor and it was uncomfortable and it was awkward, and the corpse of Jun was lying next to them leaking blood and fluids with her smashed-in watermelon head, but Yui didn't care. She didn't care about anything other than Azu-nyan.

She was the most important thing left in the club room. She was the only thing in Yui's confused world of insomnia and nightmares and maggot-ridden corpse Ui that made any sense.

The only thing left to cling on to.

"Azusa, it _wasn't _your fault. It was my fault. _I _did this. I-I don't know why. I did it because I'm stupid. A failure. Nodoka-chan was right. So don't blame yourself. Please?"

Throughout her speech, Yui's grip on Azusa became tighter and tighter. She was worried Azusa would push her away- would scream- wouldn't understand.

But Azusa didn't do any of those things. Instead, she clung to Yui just as tightly as Yui clung to her, sobbing into her shoulder, getting Sawako's maid outfit wet. Yui had never seen Azusa act like that before; she had never seen her crying without any restraint. Normally, she put a mask over her emotions.

This was different.

This was new.

The two friends just sat there in the club room, holding onto each other, and Azusa continued to cry and cry until she had run out of tears and she could only hiccup and snivel weakly. The shaking, shivering form of Azusa, who suddenly seemed so very small and fragile, sat there with her head lent on Yui's arms, her body racked with tremors, her mind coming undone like a frayed ribbon.

Yui didn't know how long they stayed there. Maybe minutes. Maybe hours.

Time was confusing. Nothing was how it seemed. Yui swore the hands on the clock on the wall were broken; either they were frozen in one spot for far too long, or they were jumping around erratically, making her head hurt.

Everything was different.

"Azu-nyan," said Yui softly, pulling away from the underclassman. She offered her a small smile. "I… I can't stay here anymore. Not with you. I-it… I-if they find out, they'll all hate me…"

"Yui-senpai, w-what do you mean?"

Yui disentangled herself from Azusa's weak, limp grip with ease. Azusa didn't have enough strength to hold her back.

Walking softly, still with that unusual grace nobody had seen from Yui before, she made her way over to the cupboard where Mugi stored the china plates and silverware.

Yui's brown eyes looked misty and far away as she stared at the cupboard. They were eeriely empty- devoid of life. Completely different to the Yui Azusa knew, who was always so energetic, so full of life.

This Yui looked like a hollow shell.

A wreck.

Her hair was messy, even though her two yellow hairclips were trying (in vain) to keep all flyaway strands of hair in place. Her skin was sallow and pale. Her eyes were blank. Her hands were still stained red, and as she absently wiped a few strands of hair behind one ear, she smeared a line of sanguine across her paper-colored cheek. It looked as though she'd cut the skin, leaving behind a deep cut.

Blood trickled slowly down the side of her face, though it was already thickening, and had begun to crust over.

"I can't really explain it to you, Azu-nyan," said Yui, still using her unusually soft voice. She shook her head, laughing to herself.

Even though she was smiling, she looked sad. She sounded old as well; _far_ too old to be the goofy, too-loud, overly cheery Hirasawa Yui.

She might as well have been a corpse.

There was something about her crumpled stance and unkempt appearance that made her seem even less alive than Jun- and Jun's head was leaking fluid out onto the floor.

Azusa could only watch in transfixed horror as Yui opened the cabinet, humming to herself softly as she did so. She watched Yui's thin fingers, nimble and skilful from playing guitar, reaching into an open drawer and dancing across the objects inside. She looked like a child in a candy store, unsure what to choose- but eventually she drew out a shining, metal object with a pointed blade.

Azusa felt her heart sink in her chest.

It was one of the sharper knives Mugi used to cut bread, whenever they felt in the mood for something savoury instead of cakes.

Yui turned the knife over in her hands. She watched with a sickening, almost child-like fascination as the light pouring in from the window struck the silvery blade at a certain angle, making it shine.

Azusa suddenly felt sick. She had managed to hold back her nausea even at the sight of Jun- but this was too much. It was just _insane_; it didn't make any sense. Yui would never do anything like that- she would never be so selfish as to leave Azusa behind…

Surely she couldn't…

She wouldn't…

Or maybe Ui just meant to much to her she didn't care about other people. She didn't hare about her, or Ho-kago Tea Time, or the happy memories they had shared. She was only thinking of herself.

…Well. Azusa should have known that all along. Yui had always been skilled at manipulating situations in the clubroom, even if she hadn't realised what she was doing. With her wide eyes and innocent smile, anybody could fall susceptible to Yui's quirky charms.

Yui would say things like 'oh, Mio-chan, I don't really want to practise now~' and then get Ritsu to side with her, thus ensuring they sat around and ate cakes instead of doing any real work.

Whenever Azusa became frustrated Yui would play with her hair or pat her on the head, rendering her almost speechless- completely unable to argue back.

The band always seemed to do what Yui wanted.

Yui always got her own way.

Maybe she was just a selfish person.

Maybe she truly didn't care for anyone's happiness but her own.

"Y-yui-senpai… Don't… D-don't…" Azusa said, her voice cracking. "D-don't leave me…"

_Don't you remember the time we played that duet together, Yui-senpai? We were practising by the river, and you wanted me to sing… I wasn't very good at it, and got embarrassed, but it was so much fun. All the time, when I was with you… It was so much fun._

_I loved spending time with you, Yui-senpai._

_So… don't do this._

_**Don't.**_

_Don't prove to me that you really _are _a selfish person. Don't make me realise I was wrong to care about you- that I was wrong because you never really cared about __**us**__. What you did was… terrible… A-and I'll never forgive you… B-but I could never hate you either- I-I'll only hate you if do this… I-if you're really so cowardly you take the easy way out._

_Well, life __**isn't **__easy. Horrible things happen all the time, and sometimes you can stop them and sometimes you can't, but you need to defeat them. You need to get over your fears or they'll murder you._

_Don't do this… Please…_

_I don't want to hate you._

_I really, really don't._

Azusa opened her mouth. Closed it again.

There were so many words she wanted to say- so many thoughts and feelings rattling around inside her head, like balls on a bagatelle board- but they wouldn't come. She couldn't speak.

She couldn't save Yui's life.

Yui turned to face Azusa with a clunky, disjointed movement. Her previous grace had all but vanished.

She raised the breadknife- and for one mad, hopeful moment of misplaced innocence, Azusa thought maybe she was going to put it down on the table top, and maybe everything would be okay.

_Yeah. And maybe Jun will rise from the dead and say this was all a practical joke- 'yay, we got you, Azu-nyan!' _she thought scathingly.

And that was the last thing she thought.

"Goodbye, Azu-nyan. A-and I'm sorry… for being so stupid."

And Yui thrust the breadknife upwards.

Straight into the unprotected, paper-thin skin of her neck.

She should have died then and there.

It should have killed her quickly.

But useless, clumsy, _stupid_ Yui hadn't driven the breadknife in with enough force. Her knees gave out underneath her as she fell to the floor, coughing and choking as an ooze of pinkish red saliva and blood trickled out of her gaping mouth. More blood dripped out of the wound in her neck, staining her clothes bright red- and it splashed onto the floor in a grotesque symphony.

_Drip._

_Drip._

_Drip._

Azusa could do nothing but scream.

She screamed the full forty-three seconds it took Hirasawa Yui to finally die.

* * *

**a.n: **Believe it or not, this is more cheerful than my original ending XD By, um, a little bit. Probably not that much. IDK. I'm going to do an epilogue for this fic, and then it'll be over :3

I got kind of lazy w/ this chapter XD It was all "ANGST ANGST ANGST NEVER-ENDING ANGST AAAAA"

;A; So I hope it's okay.


	10. Epilogue: Fallen Angel

**Sweet So Sweet  
**Epilogue

'Fallen Angel'

* * *

"That sounded really awesome just now, guys! We're definitely good enough to get to the Budokan!" said Ritsu enthusiastically, jumping up and pumping her fist in the air. She was still holding onto her drumsticks, and very nearly smashed the light fitting above her with the over-zealous motion.

"Ritsu! Watch what you're doing!" Mio snapped at the drummer. "You'll break something!"

"Hehehe." Ritsu gave a sheepish laugh, rubbing the back of her sorry. "Sorry, sorry."

"You _will _be."

"Oooh?" Ritsu's eyes widened, and she began to prod Mio in the sides. "Are you threatening me? Is the scaredy-cat Mio actually trying to threaten me? Ihihihi! Bring it on! Ihihihi~"

"S-stop it with that creepy laugh!" Mio retorted, pushing Ritsu away from her. She was trying to hide her fear behind a mask of anger; eyes narrowed, brows furrowed.

"Ooh~ _Scared_, are you?"

"Of course not!"

"You are scared!~ Mio is _so _totally scared- look at how her knees are knocking!" Ritsu taunted, sticking out her tongue.

"T-they're not! I'm not_ scared_ of you, stupid Ritsu. Humph." And with that indignant, haughty sigh, Mio turned her back to the infuriating drummer, arms folded. "You're such a child."

"Well, I'm soh-_ree_ that I know how to enjoy myself!"

"That has nothing to do with it. We'll see who's laughing when I have a job and _you _end up sitting at home playing video games and eating potato chips all day!" Mio retorted, giving Ritsu a light bonk on the head with her fist.

"O-ow! Mio is such a grouch!"

"I'm nota grouch. I just happen to take my education _seriously_. You should try being serious sometimes too."

"No, I couldn't possibly!" Ritsu cried, backing away with a look of mock fear on her face. "Then I'd be as boring as _you! _I can't, like, even imagine that! Oh my Goddd, the horror!~ Kyahhh!"

It was probably a good thing Mugi began talking then, because, judging by the look on Mio's face, she might really have tried to murder Ritsu.

"It's nice to know you two are as friendly as ever, hehe~" said Mugi. She was giggling in a very ladylike fashion, her hand on her mouth, eyes sparkling with warmth.

"W-what does that mean?" Mio asked slowly, her voice faltering.

"Oh. Nothing really," Mugi replied, still with that sunny smile. Then, she turned towards the cabinet that held all their tea things, and began to get enough plates and cutlery for five- _no_, four people.

Just four.

A small frown tugged at Mugi's lips as she hesitantly put the extra willow patterned plate back onto its shelf. It felt… strange without Yui. Every time she set the table after band practise, she couldn't help but think about the extra place she _wasn't _setting.

The place where Yui had always sat.

Mugi knew everybody else was thinking about her, too- but they didn't admit to it out loud. Yui was as conspicuous as she had been when she was alive, but only by her absence. She was the elephant in the room; the topic everybody wanted to discus, but nobody ever dared to.

It would… bring up memories.

Memories that were best left alone.

It had been six months since Yui's funeral, but she still hadn't faded from their minds. This was doubly true for Azusa, who had seen her slit Yui throat and watched her die. She had seen the knife glimmer in her hand, the blood drip to the floor, and the life drain from her eyes.

And she hadn't been able to do anything.

She'd been powerless, frozen, horrified, like a small bug under a magnifying glass.

Mugi doubted Azusa would ever fully recover. If it had been _Mio _witnessing a scene like that, she would have gone insane; Mio was too delicate to even watch such things in movies, when the blood wasn't real and the violence was completely faked. It was thankful, too, that the mutilated bodies of Jun and Yui had been removed from the club room before any of the other members could see them- otherwise, Mugi knew Mio would have suffered from nightmares for the rest of her life.

Even though the other members hadn't witnessed Yui's death like Azusa had, they still couldn't forget her, though.

How could anybody forget Yui?

It was almost impossible.

Everything had changed after Yui… passed away. Mugi didn't like to think of it as 'dying'- that put her in mind of corpses and soil and worms eating flesh. Whilst Mugi wasn't _afraid_ of such things like Mio was (death was, after all, perfectly natural- just as natural as being alive) she didn't like to think of Yui in such a way. Yui had always been so full of life. It seemed impossible that, in the space of a few minutes, all that life had just… disappeared.

Mugi noticed, after Yui's funeral, that they practised more; but nobody seemed happy about this. Azusa and Mio had constantly fretted over practising- but now they had the opportunity to do so more often, they didn't really enjoy it. The expressions on their faces while they played were not of happiness or elation; they were completely blank.

It wasn't the same without Yui.

They didn't talk to each other as much as they used to, either. Ritsu and Mio still bickered like a married couple, but it didn't sound as natural as it had done before- it sounded like they were reading their lines off a script. It was almost a pantomime performance, done more from force of habit than anything else.

Maybe that was why they practised more.

So they didn't have to talk to each other.

So they didn't have to think about Yui.

Azusa barely spoke at all. She had retreated into herself, like a tortoise into its shell. When Yui died, Azusa might as well have cut her own tongue out. Her responses to questions were monosyllabic at best. At worst, she would completely ignore whoever was speaking to her, and continue to stare ahead blankly as though she could see something nobody else could.

The others were all worried about her; during practise, Mugi kept shooting the underclassman worried looks and, as a result, messed up some of her parts in songs, even though she'd never had a problem playing them before.

Nobody berated her for it, though. Everybody kept making mistakes while they played- even the perfectionist Mio.

Ho-kago Tea Time still sounded good. After their performances they would always get rounds of applause and compliments.

But they didn't sound the same.

Mugi doubted they would ever sound the same again.

"What cakes would you like to eat today?" Mugi asked her fellow club members, gesturing towards the selection neatly laid out on the table. "I have strawberry cheesecake, lemon chiffon pie or..." She paused at the last cake, sat innocently on its plate. "Mont blanc."

There was silence in the club room for a few minutes. It was so ethereally quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

Then, Azusa's voice- a rarity these days- cut through the silent gulf.

"Let's have mont blanc."

The others turned to look at the underclassman in surprise- even Mio and Ritsu, who had been so engaged in their petty arguing a few minutes before.

Azusa was bent down, putting her guitar away carefully, her hair falling in front of her face. They couldn't see her expression.

"It's what we ate the last time… The last time we were all together…" said Azusa softly, by means of explanation. She still didn't look up, even though she already put her guitar away. Her voice sounded thick. Mugi wondered if perhaps she was going to cry, or had already started; but when Azusa finally straightened up to look at her, her eyes were dry. They weren't even red-rimmed.

Maybe she'd shed so many tears she hadn't any left.

"A-ah, alright," said Mugi, nodding. "Mont blanc it is."

* * *

"This tastes great, Mugi-chan," said Ritsu cheerily, prodding her pasty with her fork.

"Thank you," said Mugi, bowing her head. "But you really shouldn't praise me. I was not the one who made it. I doubt I could bake something this delicious."

"Whatever~ You're still the one who brought it in. Without you, I'd never eat great food like this! Mugi-chan's the best~"

"Ritsu, don't talk with your mouth full," Mio snapped.

"Oooh~ Look at sensible Mi~o~" Ritsu teased, rolling her eyes. Then, she inhaled (Ritsu didn't eat in a very ladylike manner; she tended to stuff her food into her open mouth like a vacuum cleaner sucks up dirt) another forkful of cake and begin to eat with her mouth open, very deliberately. "Yum~ Tasty."

At this, Mio flinched a little. Then, as everyone had expected her to, she reached forwards and flicked Ritsu in the forehead.

"You're not funny. It's gross," the bassist complained.

"Ow! Mio!"

Azusa continued to sit there in silence. Even though she had requested the cake herself, she hadn't taken a bite out of it yet. She clutched her fork so tightly her knuckles were turning white.

"Are you alright, Azusa?" Mugi asked, fixing her worried eyes on the underclassman.

Azusa nodded stiffly. Then, after a brief pause, she began to shake her head instead. The movement was more vigorous this time.

"What's wrong?"

Azusa pushed her plate of untasted food away and let her palm fall onto the tabletop. The noise it made was loud enough to silence Mio mid-rant about Ritsu's non-existent table manners.

"Azusa…?" Mio asked softly.

Azusa continued to sit there.

Then, after deliberation flashed across her face for a few seconds, she pushed her chair back and stood up. The screeching noise made by the chair legs was painful- but the words that came from Azusa's mouth next were even more so.

"H-how can we sit here and eat cake and continue to practise like nothing's wrong?" she demanded. "H-how can we keep pretending like Y-yui-" Her voice faltered at Yui's name, but still she pressed on; it only took a few seconds to recollect her thoughts before continuing. It seemed like she had been thinking about this speech for a while; she wouldn't let her own stuttering hesitation get the better of her. Azusa looked so determined, it was almost heart-breaking. "How can we pretend that _Yui _never existed? Ho-kago Tea Time isn't the same without Y-yui-senpai! A-and we just sit around and pretend nothing changed… B-but we all know that's not true! _Everything_ has!"

And then, to the other's surprise, Azusa began to cry. Her eyes sparkled- and at first Mugi wondered whether it was a mirage, or some trick of the light- but it soon became obvious it was neither of those things.

Tears were streaming down Azusa's cheeks, and she was whimpering, and her shoulders were shaking, and she looked so small and helpless and fragile it _hurt_.

Had she been holding those tears back for six months?

She had been dry-eyed and collected at Yui's funeral, and it seemed she'd been trying to forget about the upperclassman she loved so much, just like the others. However. going through the motions every day, pretending nothing was wrong, enduring the sympathy of others who didn't understand her real feelings, and then sitting down at a table with only four places to eat a cake Yui had always loved was simply too much. Azusa couldn't keep up her mature façade anymore; she couldn't pretend to be above grief or depression. No matter how seriously she acted, she was still just a little girl, and she had lost three of her best friends in one go, and she was _hurting_- she couldn't pretend she wasn't.

She had tried to bottle her emotions up for too long.

And it was killing her.

Eating away at her from within.

Like a parasite.

The others had all seen that. Mugi had seen that clearly; she could see the pain in the younger girl's eyes every time she played the guitar for two people because Yui wasn't there, or sat and ate cakes half-expecting Yui to try and steal titbits from her.

But Yui would never do that again.

She was dead.

They had all tried to forget- to move on with their lives.

But it hadn't worked.

Had they ever really expected it would?

"A-azusa," said Mugi, standing up. Then, without thinking, she pulled the smaller girl into a hug. Azusa didn't resist; instead, she stood there limply, allowing Mugi to hold her, as though she were a doll.

"Don't cry, Azusa," said Mug softly. "I-it'll be okay. We all miss Yui too…"

"T-then why don't you ever talk about her?" Azusa asked, her voice thick, some words garbled owing to tears. "W-why are you pretending nothing happened? I-I… I don't understand… I-I _want _to talk about Y-yui, a-and U-ui, and Jun…"

The other girls knew what had happened to Jun, of course. A doctor had confirmed she'd been hit in the head with something; and the blood Yui's Gitah had been evidence enough.

Yui had killed Jun.

But nobody wanted to talk about that, either. It was just another dark secret to put to the back of their minds and ignore; something so horrible nobody wanted to contemplate it.

"Azusa," said Mio. She got up on trembling legs, and put her own arms round the smaller girl. "Azusa, we're sorry. We all want to talk about Yui, too. W-we just didn't know how… It seemed easier not talking about it at all… I-I guess we didn't want to upset each other."

"But who could forget about Yui?" Ritsu asked. Somehow, Azusa didn't know how, the drummer had her arms round her too, and it should have felt comforting- it _was_ comforting- but that only made Azusa cry harder because Yui wasn't there.

She was always the one who hugged Azusa, or patted her on the head. Not these three.

It wasn't a group hug without Yui.

"Azusa, we'll always be here for you," said Mugi. "Always."

"Nope. We're not going anywhere," Ritsu reassured, with her signature grin- though it looked a bit wobbly round the edges, as though she was trying to hold herself together to. "S-so if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or somebody to tell… _stuff _to, we'll always be here."

"I-I tried to tell Yui-senpai that," said Azusa. "I-I tried to tell her you'd help her, if only she'd tell you… B-but she didn't listen… S-she didn't want you to know. A-and then she did something bad… A-and she couldn't stop herself doing bad things." The young girl shuddered. "I-I don't want to do that."

Mio herself quaked slightly at the mention of the 'bad things', but she forced herself remained strong. She couldn't put her fingers in her ears and run off, or sit the corner shaking like a wreck. She couldn't hide from the truth. She had to be strong for Azusa.

Poor, fragile Azusa, who was trying so hard to cope- an uphill struggle that she was losing.

But at least Azusa had realised she couldn't do it alone.

She had realised she needed help.

If only Yui had done the same…

"If you try to do anything 'bad', Azusa, we'll- we'll stop you," said Ritsu confidently. "I'll punch you in the face."

"Ritsu!" Mio scolded.

"What?" the drummer smiled. "I swear I won't let you turn out bad, Azu-nyan. I'll do everything to protect you. We all will."

"Yes," Mugi agreed. "You're not alone. You'll never be alone. I promise."

"Ho-kago Tea Time will stay together forever and ever," said Ritsu.

"Even though it's not the same without Yui… And we'll never forget her… We'll always stick together. We'll _always_ be friends. I'm sure it's what Yui would have wanted; and she definitely wouldn't want to see you upset," said Mugi, trying to believe those words herself.

"A depressed Azu-nyan isn't as cute as a smiling, happy Azu-nyan," said Ritsu wisely, nodding. "Yui always said so."

"Y-yui said that? About me?"

"Of course."

"So you should try and be strong- if not for yourself, or for us, then for the sake of Yui," said Mio. "But if you're ever upset, you should _definitely _tell us. And if we're upset, we'll tell you."

"Hehe~ Don't agree to that, Azu-nyan; Mio always gets upset. She cried at the end of Bambi, She'll be clinging onto you blubbering about her problems for hours, like she does with me."

"T-that has nothing to do with anything!"

"Mio's such a scaredy-cat," Ritsu teased, prodding the bassist in the ribs. "Ignore her, Azusa; she's no good to go to in a crisis. She'd just go to pieces and cry even more than _you."_

Mio gave an undignified squeal as Ritsu began to tickle her, and she backed away from Azusa, slapping her friend's hands away with a little too much force. Her cheeks were flushed red.

"S-stop it, you dummy!" Mio snapped. "I _am_ responsible; far more responsible than you!"

"No, that's just an act~" Ritsu retorted, reaching out at Mio with grabby fingers and a spiky, evil grin. "You may pretend to be all sophisticated and elegant, but don't be fooled, Azu-nyan! This is the _real_Akiyama Mio! Behold as she falls apart before your very eyes!"

And then Ritsu pounced on Mio, her fingers scrabbling under Mio's armpits and chin, tickling the bassist mercilessly until she was half laughing, half wailing, crying at Ritsu to get off her or she'd _murder _her…

Azusa watched the bickering pair with wide eyes, silvery tracks of tears still glistening on her cheeks.

And then, for the briefest of brief seconds…

Her lips quirked upwards.

She smiled for the first time in sixth months.

It was small.

Barely there.

The smile trembled, like a baby bird about to leave the nest in the springtime- unsure whether it would fall, unsure whether it would fly, but determined to jump out and see what would happen anyway because in life you had to go forward, no matter how worried or scared you were of falling.

There was nowhere for them to go but forward.

And even though they would never get Yui back, they would always have the memories.

It was a tiny smile, really; just a slight twitch of the mouth. It didn't mean anything.

…Or maybe it meant everything.

It was only a fragile hope- but it was _still_ hope.

And hope meant everything.

* * *

After practise the quartet of girls decided to go to a nearby shrine to pray. It was deathly cold outside; summer had given way to winter, and the air was frosty. They were all wrapped up in coats and scarves as they knelt by the old shrine, heads bent in silent prayer. They were the only people there.

Azusa's eyes were cloud, puffs of air emitting from her slightly parted lips, as she prayed.

_Yui-senpai._

_I promise I won't forget you. I couldn't ever, anyway- it would stupid to try. And I don't do stupid things. So I wouldn't waste my time trying to do something so stupid. You know I don't waste my time, and I don't like stupid people…_

_U-um…_

_A-anyway!_

_Let's see…_

_I'm here just because I wanted to tell you I'll never forget you… O-oops, I already said that, right? Well… I don't know if you'll hear this, but I pray my words reach you, wherever you are… We're all praying for that, too. And I pray that you'll be happy- if you can still, um, be happy- and I hope you've been reunited with Ui and… and you're having a good time. Yeah._

_A-and…_

_I hope I'll see you again one day. Then, we'll be able to play music together, and eat cakes, and it'll be fun- just like the old times._

_But I won't keep thinking about that, because I have to move on. I have to._

_I won't let the past hold me back._

_I don't know, but I think… if I'm with all the others… I'll be alright…_

It was then that Azusa felt something wet and cold drop onto her head. The sensation began to multiply, pinpricks of cold jabbing at her arms and legs and head- and, with a small 'huh' of surprise, she opened her eyes and looked up.

It was snowing.

"Whoa!~" Ritsu exclaimed, jumping up and down like a child, trying to catch flakes on her tongue.

"Ritsu, calm down!" Mio shouted after her, exasperated. "You shouldn't be running around at a place like this- it's not a theme park! It's a _shrine_. You have to show some respect."

"But Mio, what if it's a sign? What if it's a sign from Yui?"

"D-don't be ridiculous, such things can't happen."

"But what if it _did_? Humph~" Ritsu rolled her eyes- though she was still transfixed with the snow. She looked around her with a childish glee, a grin plastered to her face she couldn't quite shake. "Mio, why can't you believe in stuff like this? It's a sign, I'm sure it is~"

Mio sighed. "I don't want to know what sort of weird stuff goes on in your head."

"It's not weird," said Azusa softly, without thinking about it.

Mio turned to look at her in surprise. "What?"

"It's not 'weird', Mio-chan," said Azusa. Her voice was steady and serious, but even she was smiling, just slightly. "It's called being hopeful. And I hope that Yui-senpai heard us. B-but even if she didn't, it doesn't matter… I-it doesn't matter, because I'm sure, 100% sure… That we're going to be alright."

* * *

**a/n: **this ending was fun to write :3 I think it's kind of cute, and nice payoff when compared to all the horrible things that happened before XD  
Y'know, I originally didn't like K-On very much, and I didn't like Yui at all for being so irritatingly stupid XD But as I wrote this, I began to like the characters and the series more XD It's funny how that works, rite?

And, as I said I would on my profile, I put up a download of all the songs I used for chapter titles in the fic, and some extra ones I used for inspiration ^_^ The earlier songs are very… angry XD But they get slowly more mellow and soft towards the end. I really love the last song in this 'CD', and I hope some people enjoy it ^_^

www . megaupload . com /?d=7PPSSQFH

Thank you for reading and enjoying my fic ^_^

**~renahhchen xoxo**


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